He is capable of things beyond measure, beyond my requests and beyond my imagination

My sweet friend, Jenifer Crane, created a blog Those Who Have Young....... Jen is a God-fearing woman, rock star wife and mom, a hilarious gal and loyal friend. She asked a few of us to tell a little bit about our stories in regards to depression and needing a soft place to fall with other God-loving mamas. It's "a community for moms to find comfort, compassion and encouragement, laced with authenticity, freedom, laughter and love". So.... here is my little blip in regards to infertility.

"And the Lord will continually guide you, and satisfy your desires in scorched places, and give strength to your bones; and will be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water whose water does not fail." Isaiah 58:11

Just read that verse and absorb it for a moment. He WILL. Continually. Satisfy my desires. Strengthen. Flourish. Succeed. That is some good stuff, friends.

Infertility. That one word can actually draw a tear to some. It doesn't simply read "infertility" to a woman who is/has struggled with conceiving a child. It reads: guilt, shame, heartache, hurt, failure, grief, loss of a dream, physical ache, debt, pain, tears, loneliness, hopeless, depression, anger, confusion, insecurity, embarrassment, patience, lack of patience, wait, sin, unfulfilled longing, burden, regret, etc....

The good Lord didn't say if we would have trials, but when. When we face trials, such as infertility, it drags along emotions that I mentioned above. What a heavy burden. My husband and I have been struggling with infertility baggage for almost 6 years. We've done it all, tried it all and currently in the IVF process. My shoulders have been heavy. Like, crazy heavy. Who am I to expect my wimpy shoulders to carry that load? God is so big, yet I set Him in a cozy little box. "You are capable of things beyond measure, beyond my requests and beyond my imagination" Eph 3:20  Remember the kids church song "My God is so big, so strong and so mighty, there's nothing my God can not do!". How easily we - I - forget what I learned in kindergarten.

I think infertility issues, emotions and thoughts are only conquered on a daily, conscience, moment-to-moment basis. A counselor once told me that infertility struggles is comparable to the loss of a loved one. The loss of a dream. The loss of hope. One moment an infertile woman can look at a cute bib at a store, smile and think "how cute" and then an hour later, see a cute diaper bag and begin to cry. One week I could barely get out of bed, the next week, I was out to conquer my depression. I believe that He gives us what we need, when we need it. He promises that truth in His Word. Sometimes He wants us to feel our emotions, cry and work through them. Sometimes He gives us the strength to look at a cute bib and think nothing more than "hey, that's kinda cute"... and move along. And sometimes, He wants us to get to the point where we get up in the morning and say "God, I can't get up or smile today unless you give me the joy and drive". Phil 4:13 - I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

He wants us to lay our burdens at His feet and acknowledge we are nothing without Him. I am a weak, depressed woman battling infertility and all the emotions it brings with it. However, my God doesn't allow me to be chained to that label. "Infertility" does not define me. That is not who I am in His eyes. I am His child. I am where He wants me to be. I have this trial in my life because His plan is good. I am lovely, loved and He has a prosperous plan for my future. Romans 5:1-5 tells me to be hopeful, expect His miracles. It tells me I am justified through faith and I gain peace with God through Jesus Christ. He tells me to rejoice in the hope HE gives to me. He tells me to rejoice in my sufferings, suffering produces perseverance, which builds my character and hope. Hope will not disappoint me because HE pours out His love in me, my heart, by the Holy Spirit. God, not me, can do these things.

Depression isn't an ugly, dirty, shameful word. How is it humanly possible to feel the things I stated above and not feel depressed at some point? Depressing things are a part of this sinful world. God's mercies and grace are new everyday, He wants us to ask for them daily. Sadness and hurt may hit you like a ton of bricks some days, just hit right back with His promises... wait for, hope and expect Him to give you what you need to conquer that wall. Psalms 27:14 - Wait and hope for and expect the Lord; be brave and of good courage and let your heart be stout and enduring. Yes, wait for and hope for and expect the Lord.

So ladies, get our your boxing gloves... aka His Word. Flood those insecurities with His promises. Take your feeling of anger, for example, and find all the verses you can that will stand up to anger and kick its booty. Take His Word and use it as a baseball bat against Satan's attacks. Give in to your hurts and weaknesses, accept them, feel them, don't be ashamed. Embrace them. He wants us to build character and hope out of these sufferings. He wants to be the one you cry to. He wants to give us wings to fly. Use the suffering as character building tools! HA! Sounds too easy huh?! Find encouragement for today, for this moment, and do it all over again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next.... 

In the multitude of my anxieties within me,Your comforts delight my soul. Psalm 94:19

'Cause I got a peaceful easy feeling, And I know you won't let me down 'cause I'm already standing on the ground.'

Ever just feel a peaceful, easy feeling, over something that shouldn't be very peaceful or easy? I do. I have all week. Today is our "Day 3" of the IVF process. I'm excited, I'm a little nervous... not if it will work, but nervous about the side affects. IVF hormones = crazy time. Totally at peace with where God is leading. I have no control over whether or not IVF will be successful. I have no control over anything really. And I guess that's the crazy part... I'm out of control and so happy! That ain't easy for a Type A gal like myself to accept. So, I've given it all over to Him..... the guilt, the shame, the stress, the worry, the control, the doubt, the questioning... all of it. As I drove to the Dr this morning, I just cried tears of joy. Joy that peace is over me, not because I've created it, but because He has. I'm taking one day at a time... the hormones may kick in in a few weeks and my post will be about how crazy I've become, but today is a good day. One day at a time.

And yea, I mentioned awhile back our IVF dates would be kept private, but what the heck! I need my prayer warriors around me, lifting us up, there is power in prayer. I'm so thankful and grateful to my current prayer warriors, praying for us each step of the way. And yea, if it doesn't work I  hate to tell everyone "it didn't work". Hate it. But, more importantly I want, need, your prayers. He wants to be glorified. To God be the glory... and if I don't tell anyone, how will He receive the glory?! Baby or no baby, He is to be glorified. His timing and plan is the best. So, please echo our prayers for my health and a successful first attempt with IVF., His will to be done.

God is The Creator, my Doc and lab techs are just His tools. “For thou didst form my inward parts, thou didst knit me together in my mother’s womb.” – Psalm 139:13

Excited to see what this year holds, My Man turns 40, we have a 40day process with IVF, we celebrate our 6yr anniversary and 6yrs of trying for a baby and my girl ventures into middle school come fall time. eeekkkk.

Psalms 5:3 "In the morning, LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly."