Egg-cellent ... so what's the stinkin' problem?!

A couple of years ago, my man and I got some bad news.... "sperm donor". Enough said. We never imagined to hear those words. My husband is one of six kids, he has multiple... just 12... nieces and nephews. I always look at them and think about what our children will look like... big blue eyes, cute blond hair with some curls, melt-your-heart smile. After much prayer and God laying it on my husbands heart, he stopped dipping. Our doctor tried not to laugh as we told him our plan. He told us that sperm reproduce every 3 months and that we could retest after "no dipping" for 3 months. I'm sure he rolled his eyes as we walked out his door. We held onto faith and hope, not our doctor's "experience". We discussed the sperm donor option, but didn't feel that was the right choice for us.We discussed adoption and ceasing family planning altogether and to just enjoy the ray of sunshine we already have (T, my 9yr old from my previous marriage). Mainly, we sat waiting for 3 months. We waited for the toxins to leave his body, freeing up that "DNA Fragmentation" it had caused and prayed my cute blue-eyed babies would be released from those death grips and into my loving uterus. "Dipping" has been a struggle for many years for hubs and this was the time of all times to quit. He felt God telling him that this was that time. We decided to give that 3 month wait 2 extra months. Just for good measure. The next results made our doctor eat his words... or atleast feel ashamed of those eye rolls :) My soon-to-be-blue-eyed-babies were perfectly normal and ready for their safe little home in my tummy. Praise be to God. We don't know why He chose to allow this to happen, we pray that it's because He's preparing the way for our child. His will be done.

Today, after a 2 week wait, I found out that my egg quality - ovarian reserve - are of excellent quality. Praise be to God. Today is the day that we were told - IVF, adoption or nothing - are our options. Period. After all of our fertility treatments and 5 years of "trying" this is our final verdict. Praise be to God for his plans for us.  I don't know what "option" we will choose, but what I do know is that God is in Control, He has a plan for our family, for the child and I know that the desire of our heart is for a baby, but His will be done. As I left the Fertility Specialist clinic today, a nurse told a lady "enjoy your pregnancy"... I so wished she was telling me that, but I prayed that God will bless that woman and that baby. After all, we are all His. Of course, I shed a few tears on the way home.... being grateful, thankful and a little sad that I wasn't that lady enjoying my pregnancy.

I don't understand why my hubby's DNA fragmentation became "normal" when the doctor's experience taught otherwise, I don't understand why all of my past fertility treatments (10cycles worth, $$$ and 5yrs later) were "text book perfect" and I don't understand why we are considered "unexplained infertility". I don't understand, but it's not my place to question His perfect plan. And I won't allow Satan to plant seeds of self destruction or doubt about my self worth anymore. I pray those blue-eyed babies make their way to my excellent quality eggs and conception occurs... implantation happens in a perfectly lined uterus (my u/s showed that today plus one ripe egg!) and God decides this is the cycle His child is conceived... this is how my baby-blue-eyes will come into my life! I don't know if that's His plan. If it's not His plan, I will take comfort in knowing that it's okay because I only want His good and perfect plan for my life. Sure, I will get upset if I see "red", I might even cry while I search for a stupid pad. I call all pads and tampons "stupid". I will sulk for the day and might even skip boot camp and grab a tub of ice cream for comfort. But, at the end of the day, I want what God wants for my life. I will just ignore the extra calories. I want what God wants for that child. I will fall asleep not knowing "why", but finding peace, joy and comfort in knowing that I am His child.

"Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow." James 1:17

“Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart” Psalm 37:4