TRUST : assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something

"The Word united with faith leads to the rest of faith. Unbelief is a lack of faith! And that is a sin. 'Whatever is not from faith is sin' (Romans 14:23)". Kay Arthur in Faithful Abundant and True.

Obey. Trust. Remain faithful. "Jesus paid it all! You cannot  pay a thing! His sacrifice was sufficient. Your sins are remembered no more by Him (Hebrews 10:17,18). Why are you remembering them? You are forgiven!" Kay Arthur.

After speaking to a Spirit filled, wise and loving friend, she helped me make some realizations this week. This entry is one part of my "surgical laceration" of my strongholds.... lack of trust, lack of self-worth and burden of guilt. Man, that just feels heavy to write. Let alone carry on my girlie shoulders.

Truths vs Lies. God vs Satan. Trust vs Playing God.

1. My daughter "needs" a sibling. I don't want her to be an only child. I want her to have that bond with siblings and future nieces/nephews, etc.... I want to fulfill those possible voids. I want to fill that hole she may one day fall in to. I want her to wear the "I'm a Big Sister" t-shirt in life. God - I know what is best for your daughter. It is not your job to fill holes. It's not your job to look into the future and decide what is best for future generations. 

2. My husband deserves to have a child of his very own. He deserves to be called "daddy". He deserves to experience childbirth. His family is filled with babies that look like him. I want him to have a child he can call "his own". My husband is such a wonderful, good and loving man of God, I want him to experience fatherhood in it's full capacity. Are my sins, my past, my consequences preventing him from becoming a father? Please don't allow my consequences to affect him. God - I know what is best for your husband. It is not your job to fill those holes. It's not your job to look into the future and decide what is best for future generations. I know his aching. I know his longing and desires better than you do. I know what it is like to want children, I made you. Let me take care of your husbands hurt. Let me speak to Him and let him take on and handle his own feelings. I have plans to give him hope and a future. I have plans to prosper his life.

3. I've made mistakes. I've sinned. I have consequences that I must owe. I'm not good enough. I can't make God happy enough. He must be punishing my actions. My body must not be healthy enough. I must eat better. I must be fit. I shouldn't do anything "Google" says women shouldn't do who are trying to become pregnant. Maybe if  I learn that thing God wants me to learn, He'll allow me to conceive. Must do, be and try harder. God - I made you just the way you are. I paid it all, your sin is covered, forgiven and remembered no more. I can do anything - raise the dead,  heal the sick and open a barren womb. I do not make mistakes. I want the glory. I want to be first, not your infertility. You are not, can not be and never will be perfect. I want you to love, trust, obey and long for me. Satan is deceiving you. Do not allow him to make you feel unworthy. Embrace the Truths I offer you, embrace My Word and keep it in your mind ,heart and on your tongue.

4. It has been over 5 years, I should just move on. Let go of the dreams. But, I have this incredible maternal instinct/feeling/desire to have another child. I ache to have a baby with my husband. Hold off on IVF, we aren't feeling lead to do it anyway. We are putting our desires all before Him. I want to make the "babies room" into a craft room. I want to enjoy life - here, now and with what I have... and don't have. God - My timing is perfect. Don't let go of your dreams, allow Me to meet your needs. I can take away those desires if You want me to - IF they are not going to be met. I don't want you to ache. I want to comfort you. It's not letting go of a dream, it's letting go of control. It's letting go of the tug-o-war rope you are playing with Me. It's letting go of your time line, your plan. It's letting go if the disobedience, lack of trust and burden. You have this life - these blessings - because of Me. Enjoy them. Be thankful for them. You have a wonderfully full life - you are where I want you to be. Embrace it. Live in it... that craft room can always be changed into a baby's room. Live in today. I will take care of tomorrow.

5. I have not been trusting God. Please forgive me. God - If it is for your good and My glory,  you will get it. That is My promise to you. You will survive if you don't have another child. Your life will still be whole, abundant and complete. Trust me and you will see. Trust me to fill that void you currently have. Trust me to fill it in a way that you don't understand. You haven't been trusting Me to meet your needs, your desires... you feel like you have to carry the burden and bring your dreams to fruition. Nothing will come to fruition if it is not best for you. Trust me - the unborn child you long for is in My hands. I know what maternal ache you endure. I know the longing, I made you because I longed for you. My Child, I know what it is like to long for a child. Please trust Me to take care of every detail of your life. I want to give you gold, not silver. I have plans to prosper you, to give you hope and a future. Lay the stronghold of fear at My feet. I will take care of the burdens.


6. What do we do? Do we do IVF? Why didn't we do it months ago when we first decided we would? Do we keeping "waiting" for.... what??? Wait? It hurts to keep waiting. It hurts to not know if we should be waiting or acting. I feel like that IVF door is shut and I'm trying to pry it open. Sometimes I want to open it and just walk through it, trusting You will stop us if it's not what You want. But, it's locked. I feel it locked, that should be our Stop Sign. I don't want our Stop Sign to be a negative pregnancy test at the end of the road. I want to stop when I first see the red flag. I'm torn. God - the Holy Spirit is not at peace in you because the choice is not yours to make right now. Wait. You know it's not an easy choice or action because you want it, not Me. Today I am saying to wait. You and your husband will not feel at ease with a choice until the Holy Spirit brings that peace among you...after I bless it. I will let you know. I know what type of assurance and guidance you need, trust Me to do it in a way that is best for you. Trust me to speak loud and clear. Listen. Trust. Divine Appointment - if there is a child, he/she is to come at the best time for his/her life. It's not all about you!

7. I really do have a beautiful life. So much abundance, blessings and love. God is so good. I don't want to take away from all that He has given because of one thing - a baby - that He has chosen to not allow me access to at this time. How can I not trust Him? I can't lose when I do. I have everything to gain. So, today, I make a choice to trust Him 100%. Trust Him that He has my life - my family - right in the palm of His mighty, loving and compassionate hand. Trust Him to fill my longings. Trust Him to know what is best for my daughter and husband. Trust Him to give me hope and a future. Trust Him to speak to us in a way that will lead our decisions. Trust Him to wait for whatever He brings or does not bring our way. Trust Him enough to know it's best. Trust Him enough to be happy with my blessings because it's what He wants for my life!


"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song." Psalms 28:7

P.S. Love this blog http://dancinguponbarrenland.com/