Warning: Aunt Flow came yesterday, so this post will be full and long :)
We moved into our new home 4 years ago. Upstairs we have 3 rooms - T's (daughter) room, "baby's" room and guest room. We've called it the "baby's room" since day 1. T was 6 and she was designating rooms.... she's an organizer at heart like her mama. We placed T's beautiful white wrought iron twin bed in there (her Grandaddy made her), as she "needed" a queen bed instead. We placed the rocker in there that I got for Mother's Day the year T was born. I'm happy her dad let me keep that treasure. I've been careful not to fill the closets with "stuff", because after all, the "baby's stuff" would fill it soon enough. So presumptuous... or do you call it hopeful, confident, trusting?
I went into Baby's room lastnight, bad decision... I did "start" yesterday after all. Hormones + empty baby room = tears and maybe even anger. The one thing that I do keep in the closet is T's craft storage container. It's the overflow craft items, extra stuff we hardly use. But, we needed Popsicle sticks. Those are always fun :) So, I walked in and grabbed them... only happy thoughts about making a fun craft with my girl filled my mind. However, as I turned around to get up off the floor, I noticed how fluffy and new-looking the carpet appeared. When we bought our beautiful home the only thing I would have changed was the carpet. It's a brand new home, brand new carpet, but I don't care for Berber carpet. It becomes flatter over time, but it hides stains and dirt well :) So, Baby's room has fluffy carpet because we never go in there. I took a seat in T's rocker and stared at the carpet... thinking of all the months gone by, all the nights that I'd dreamed of rocking Baby in this very room. Thinking of how my T is getting older and now the age gap is even larger. Thinking of how my man will be 39 this October and how he still can't be called "daddy". Thinking of how my deep desire to share a child with the love of my life hurts. He deserves a child too, one of his very own... one with his pretty eyes and sweet smile... one to have his name. He deserves to cut the umbilical cord and give a first bath. He deserves to clean up baby food that's been thrown all over the kitchen. T's pretty twin bed deserves to hold another child while she dreams of ponies and fairies. This rocker deserves to smell the lovely scent of baby powder while rocking a baby to sleep. It wants to hear the lullaby's sung from a happy mamas heart. It wants to hear daddy's made up country songs about the good life. It wants to rock T's sibling to sleep... crying and all. Really? Sarah? Are you going to sit here and do this....? Are you really going to sit here...again ....and think of all the things that you don't have?
The flattened carpet around the house is a symbol of the memories we are creating
now. All those nights of wrestling, all those nights of smore's making and playing chase with friends. The carpet lays flatter from doing Yoga with my girl, playing Go Fish a billions times, watching movies while eating candy, playing Wii, playing hide and seek, doing crafts with Popsicle sticks, making birthday cards and getting ready for Christmas morning. It's filled with friends and family gathering for celebrations, it has puppy and kitten reminders, it's filled with the good, the bad and the ugly. God has filled my life with so much JOY and each carpet loop that has become flat over the past 4 years represents the beauty He has given me. It doesn't represent the small spot upstairs that still waits to be brought to life.
T is in "the rocker".... she came home after her first day in kindergarten ('05) and fell right to sleep. (this was in our apartment while waiting to move into our new home). See,
this is the good stuff that rocker has seen!
“Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out! ‘Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been his counselor?’ ‘Who has ever given to God, that God should repay him?’ For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Amen.” Rom. 11:33–36
