Baby shower, friend expecting and starting

Planning my brother/sister-in-law's baby shower, making cute monkey and frog picture frames for unborn - already precious - nephew's bathroom... making a Congrats banner and assembling a fun baby gift basket... can't wait to meet him. Secretly planning the theme for my one-day baby's room. I just got off the phone with a friend that got pregnant "just on her first month of trying!". Went to the restroom to shed a couple of self-pity tears in private, dry my eyes and come out with a smile infront of my daughter and her friend... on top of that, the restroom break shed light on the fact that I just started. Really? Blah. Is it too early to go to bed?

"I consider our present sufferings insignificant compared to the glory that will soon be revealed to us." Romans 8:18

Randomness

We attend a fantastic church! A couple of Sunday's ago they hosted a Pancake Breakfast and a farewell worship service to our High School kids heading off to Beach Retreat. The service was held outdoors and breakfast foods were in abundance. I had my fair share of pancakes and syrup. The kids were anxious to experience the freedom and joy of church camp.The worship songs were fun, uplifting... just like the morning. At one point, a song came on that reminded me of my church camp as a kid.

Unfortunately, I lost track of the song and it's words as I stood there watching 3 women holding their babies... singing, swaying back and forth. They had the love of Jesus in their hearts, the mighty words about His goodness overflowing from their mouths. I instantly began to let my eyes fill with tears. The morning instantly became about me. My empty arms. My lonely dance. I had no baby to sway. I felt alone, yet I felt like I had a hundred eyes on me. I felt trapped, not able to compose myself. Images and words are a funny thing, the way your brain registers sights and sounds. One moment, a sight and sound of a baby only makes me smile and carry on. The next, I swim in the river of self-pity. One extreme to another.

I want to know what it's like to live a "normal" life with my man, with my family. Since our honeymoon, this deep desire has been unreachable. We will go for months "not trying" and months of "trying". One extreme to another. Will that self-pity feeling ever go away? I guess if I didn't desire a baby it would... is that when you know when to give up on trying? Someone asked me the other day "how things are going in the baby area". This person hasn't had an update in over a year, so he had no idea what track we are currently on. I was happy to fill him in, he is a good listener. Then he said "well, it's not like you have to have a baby". This is coming from a single man, 56yrs old, no kids. So, I will give him that loooong leash. He is right. But, those of you - infertile friends - know the response spinning in my head. This was a good time to change subjects, quickly...

I'm not sure what my point is with this post... other than to vent a little. I guess we shouldn't be so hard on ourselves. We have a desire. I believe a God given desire. Some days are good and some are not. I can be around babies and be thrilled about friends expecting. And, other days, I can still be thrilled and in private be sad for myself. A little jealous. I think we have earned our stripes to claim both. He knows the desires of our hearts, He knows our intentions and true feelings. He never said that life would be easy or always happy. But He is always good and His plans are always perfect. Continuing to pray for my blogger friends on this journey of not only a baby, but of self preservation.

Psalms 38:9 Lord, all my desire is before You; And my sighing is not hidden from You.

Stuck

Do you ever feel like life is passing you by while TTC? I take in the views, I smell the aromas, cherish the laughter and relationships around me. I take such joy in watching my daughter grow and learn.... becoming the young lady that God created her to be. I see photos of baby announcements and dedications, nieces' recitals, nephews baseball games and friend's kids eating birthday cake. It's not the first thought, but a thought later in the day is "that's another year gone by and we aren't celebrating the milestones with a child of our own". It has been over a year since doing any type of fertility treatments... one year, one month. We are saving for IVF. We have been "saving" for prior treatments and now IVF. Sure, we take small family trips around Texas and last year to Destin, Florida. We don't need to go much further than the neighborhood pool to please our girl! Hubs always makes sure his girls are taken care of.... and then some :) And I always thank God for the wealth that He has given us, so much more than many. We are not "poor" by any means.We are indulging ourselves and taking a first-time-trip-for-me to Vegas this summer with 4 other adult friends. It's my 2nd "trip" with my husband since our honeymoon five years ago, purely vacation time. Again, we always forgo "only us" trips. We sketch out plans for our backyard deck and landscape. We are big on playing out back and daughter loves to eat dinner in the back, so we eat on a picnic blanket for now. It's fine, it's fun.... a table and chairs will be great one day too :) Don't get me wrong, we enjoy our life and make plenty of self indulgent purchases. But, there is always that second thought that trails the receipt... "that could have gone towards IVF...". I don't stress over the fact, it's just there.... lingers. It's a passing thought, just like the others. I am looking forward to life without that second thought. I am looking forward to life without this ball and chain. It's not even about the stress of things anymore, it's just about wanting to move on from this spot of... of.... I don't even know what to call it. Yesterday I was in a mode of not wanting to experience the disappointment again of a *possible* failed attempt. I know God has me in His hands. I know that the attempt could bring me that blessed baby, I know that the procedure could be the one. I'm just ready to move along already! Sometimes I feel like life is standing still, just waiting for us to have that baby on board before this train leaves the station.... But, the truth of the matter is, we are already on this beautiful ride. We are a family already. I am happy. I am married to my best friend. I have a healthy, amazing daughter. I AM thankful and grateful. I just still feel like a piece is missing. I look at the 2 extra rooms upstairs, I look at the unused baby swing for the new backyard deck area.... a piece of us is missing and I'm just ready for life to be complete. And yet, when I type those thoughts I feel so guilty.... As if I'm telling God that He doesn't have a complete plan for me already. Who am I to tell Him that I'm not satisfied with all He has given me thus far? How quickly I feel so ungrateful and selfish.


They will celebrate your abundant goodness and joyfully sing of your righteousness." Psalm 145:7