Randomness

We attend a fantastic church! A couple of Sunday's ago they hosted a Pancake Breakfast and a farewell worship service to our High School kids heading off to Beach Retreat. The service was held outdoors and breakfast foods were in abundance. I had my fair share of pancakes and syrup. The kids were anxious to experience the freedom and joy of church camp.The worship songs were fun, uplifting... just like the morning. At one point, a song came on that reminded me of my church camp as a kid.

Unfortunately, I lost track of the song and it's words as I stood there watching 3 women holding their babies... singing, swaying back and forth. They had the love of Jesus in their hearts, the mighty words about His goodness overflowing from their mouths. I instantly began to let my eyes fill with tears. The morning instantly became about me. My empty arms. My lonely dance. I had no baby to sway. I felt alone, yet I felt like I had a hundred eyes on me. I felt trapped, not able to compose myself. Images and words are a funny thing, the way your brain registers sights and sounds. One moment, a sight and sound of a baby only makes me smile and carry on. The next, I swim in the river of self-pity. One extreme to another.

I want to know what it's like to live a "normal" life with my man, with my family. Since our honeymoon, this deep desire has been unreachable. We will go for months "not trying" and months of "trying". One extreme to another. Will that self-pity feeling ever go away? I guess if I didn't desire a baby it would... is that when you know when to give up on trying? Someone asked me the other day "how things are going in the baby area". This person hasn't had an update in over a year, so he had no idea what track we are currently on. I was happy to fill him in, he is a good listener. Then he said "well, it's not like you have to have a baby". This is coming from a single man, 56yrs old, no kids. So, I will give him that loooong leash. He is right. But, those of you - infertile friends - know the response spinning in my head. This was a good time to change subjects, quickly...

I'm not sure what my point is with this post... other than to vent a little. I guess we shouldn't be so hard on ourselves. We have a desire. I believe a God given desire. Some days are good and some are not. I can be around babies and be thrilled about friends expecting. And, other days, I can still be thrilled and in private be sad for myself. A little jealous. I think we have earned our stripes to claim both. He knows the desires of our hearts, He knows our intentions and true feelings. He never said that life would be easy or always happy. But He is always good and His plans are always perfect. Continuing to pray for my blogger friends on this journey of not only a baby, but of self preservation.

Psalms 38:9 Lord, all my desire is before You; And my sighing is not hidden from You.