Stuck

Do you ever feel like life is passing you by while TTC? I take in the views, I smell the aromas, cherish the laughter and relationships around me. I take such joy in watching my daughter grow and learn.... becoming the young lady that God created her to be. I see photos of baby announcements and dedications, nieces' recitals, nephews baseball games and friend's kids eating birthday cake. It's not the first thought, but a thought later in the day is "that's another year gone by and we aren't celebrating the milestones with a child of our own". It has been over a year since doing any type of fertility treatments... one year, one month. We are saving for IVF. We have been "saving" for prior treatments and now IVF. Sure, we take small family trips around Texas and last year to Destin, Florida. We don't need to go much further than the neighborhood pool to please our girl! Hubs always makes sure his girls are taken care of.... and then some :) And I always thank God for the wealth that He has given us, so much more than many. We are not "poor" by any means.We are indulging ourselves and taking a first-time-trip-for-me to Vegas this summer with 4 other adult friends. It's my 2nd "trip" with my husband since our honeymoon five years ago, purely vacation time. Again, we always forgo "only us" trips. We sketch out plans for our backyard deck and landscape. We are big on playing out back and daughter loves to eat dinner in the back, so we eat on a picnic blanket for now. It's fine, it's fun.... a table and chairs will be great one day too :) Don't get me wrong, we enjoy our life and make plenty of self indulgent purchases. But, there is always that second thought that trails the receipt... "that could have gone towards IVF...". I don't stress over the fact, it's just there.... lingers. It's a passing thought, just like the others. I am looking forward to life without that second thought. I am looking forward to life without this ball and chain. It's not even about the stress of things anymore, it's just about wanting to move on from this spot of... of.... I don't even know what to call it. Yesterday I was in a mode of not wanting to experience the disappointment again of a *possible* failed attempt. I know God has me in His hands. I know that the attempt could bring me that blessed baby, I know that the procedure could be the one. I'm just ready to move along already! Sometimes I feel like life is standing still, just waiting for us to have that baby on board before this train leaves the station.... But, the truth of the matter is, we are already on this beautiful ride. We are a family already. I am happy. I am married to my best friend. I have a healthy, amazing daughter. I AM thankful and grateful. I just still feel like a piece is missing. I look at the 2 extra rooms upstairs, I look at the unused baby swing for the new backyard deck area.... a piece of us is missing and I'm just ready for life to be complete. And yet, when I type those thoughts I feel so guilty.... As if I'm telling God that He doesn't have a complete plan for me already. Who am I to tell Him that I'm not satisfied with all He has given me thus far? How quickly I feel so ungrateful and selfish.


They will celebrate your abundant goodness and joyfully sing of your righteousness." Psalm 145:7