He is capable of things beyond measure, beyond my requests and beyond my imagination

My sweet friend, Jenifer Crane, created a blog Those Who Have Young....... Jen is a God-fearing woman, rock star wife and mom, a hilarious gal and loyal friend. She asked a few of us to tell a little bit about our stories in regards to depression and needing a soft place to fall with other God-loving mamas. It's "a community for moms to find comfort, compassion and encouragement, laced with authenticity, freedom, laughter and love". So.... here is my little blip in regards to infertility.

"And the Lord will continually guide you, and satisfy your desires in scorched places, and give strength to your bones; and will be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water whose water does not fail." Isaiah 58:11

Just read that verse and absorb it for a moment. He WILL. Continually. Satisfy my desires. Strengthen. Flourish. Succeed. That is some good stuff, friends.

Infertility. That one word can actually draw a tear to some. It doesn't simply read "infertility" to a woman who is/has struggled with conceiving a child. It reads: guilt, shame, heartache, hurt, failure, grief, loss of a dream, physical ache, debt, pain, tears, loneliness, hopeless, depression, anger, confusion, insecurity, embarrassment, patience, lack of patience, wait, sin, unfulfilled longing, burden, regret, etc....

The good Lord didn't say if we would have trials, but when. When we face trials, such as infertility, it drags along emotions that I mentioned above. What a heavy burden. My husband and I have been struggling with infertility baggage for almost 6 years. We've done it all, tried it all and currently in the IVF process. My shoulders have been heavy. Like, crazy heavy. Who am I to expect my wimpy shoulders to carry that load? God is so big, yet I set Him in a cozy little box. "You are capable of things beyond measure, beyond my requests and beyond my imagination" Eph 3:20  Remember the kids church song "My God is so big, so strong and so mighty, there's nothing my God can not do!". How easily we - I - forget what I learned in kindergarten.

I think infertility issues, emotions and thoughts are only conquered on a daily, conscience, moment-to-moment basis. A counselor once told me that infertility struggles is comparable to the loss of a loved one. The loss of a dream. The loss of hope. One moment an infertile woman can look at a cute bib at a store, smile and think "how cute" and then an hour later, see a cute diaper bag and begin to cry. One week I could barely get out of bed, the next week, I was out to conquer my depression. I believe that He gives us what we need, when we need it. He promises that truth in His Word. Sometimes He wants us to feel our emotions, cry and work through them. Sometimes He gives us the strength to look at a cute bib and think nothing more than "hey, that's kinda cute"... and move along. And sometimes, He wants us to get to the point where we get up in the morning and say "God, I can't get up or smile today unless you give me the joy and drive". Phil 4:13 - I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

He wants us to lay our burdens at His feet and acknowledge we are nothing without Him. I am a weak, depressed woman battling infertility and all the emotions it brings with it. However, my God doesn't allow me to be chained to that label. "Infertility" does not define me. That is not who I am in His eyes. I am His child. I am where He wants me to be. I have this trial in my life because His plan is good. I am lovely, loved and He has a prosperous plan for my future. Romans 5:1-5 tells me to be hopeful, expect His miracles. It tells me I am justified through faith and I gain peace with God through Jesus Christ. He tells me to rejoice in the hope HE gives to me. He tells me to rejoice in my sufferings, suffering produces perseverance, which builds my character and hope. Hope will not disappoint me because HE pours out His love in me, my heart, by the Holy Spirit. God, not me, can do these things.

Depression isn't an ugly, dirty, shameful word. How is it humanly possible to feel the things I stated above and not feel depressed at some point? Depressing things are a part of this sinful world. God's mercies and grace are new everyday, He wants us to ask for them daily. Sadness and hurt may hit you like a ton of bricks some days, just hit right back with His promises... wait for, hope and expect Him to give you what you need to conquer that wall. Psalms 27:14 - Wait and hope for and expect the Lord; be brave and of good courage and let your heart be stout and enduring. Yes, wait for and hope for and expect the Lord.

So ladies, get our your boxing gloves... aka His Word. Flood those insecurities with His promises. Take your feeling of anger, for example, and find all the verses you can that will stand up to anger and kick its booty. Take His Word and use it as a baseball bat against Satan's attacks. Give in to your hurts and weaknesses, accept them, feel them, don't be ashamed. Embrace them. He wants us to build character and hope out of these sufferings. He wants to be the one you cry to. He wants to give us wings to fly. Use the suffering as character building tools! HA! Sounds too easy huh?! Find encouragement for today, for this moment, and do it all over again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next.... 

In the multitude of my anxieties within me,Your comforts delight my soul. Psalm 94:19

'Cause I got a peaceful easy feeling, And I know you won't let me down 'cause I'm already standing on the ground.'

Ever just feel a peaceful, easy feeling, over something that shouldn't be very peaceful or easy? I do. I have all week. Today is our "Day 3" of the IVF process. I'm excited, I'm a little nervous... not if it will work, but nervous about the side affects. IVF hormones = crazy time. Totally at peace with where God is leading. I have no control over whether or not IVF will be successful. I have no control over anything really. And I guess that's the crazy part... I'm out of control and so happy! That ain't easy for a Type A gal like myself to accept. So, I've given it all over to Him..... the guilt, the shame, the stress, the worry, the control, the doubt, the questioning... all of it. As I drove to the Dr this morning, I just cried tears of joy. Joy that peace is over me, not because I've created it, but because He has. I'm taking one day at a time... the hormones may kick in in a few weeks and my post will be about how crazy I've become, but today is a good day. One day at a time.

And yea, I mentioned awhile back our IVF dates would be kept private, but what the heck! I need my prayer warriors around me, lifting us up, there is power in prayer. I'm so thankful and grateful to my current prayer warriors, praying for us each step of the way. And yea, if it doesn't work I  hate to tell everyone "it didn't work". Hate it. But, more importantly I want, need, your prayers. He wants to be glorified. To God be the glory... and if I don't tell anyone, how will He receive the glory?! Baby or no baby, He is to be glorified. His timing and plan is the best. So, please echo our prayers for my health and a successful first attempt with IVF., His will to be done.

God is The Creator, my Doc and lab techs are just His tools. “For thou didst form my inward parts, thou didst knit me together in my mother’s womb.” – Psalm 139:13

Excited to see what this year holds, My Man turns 40, we have a 40day process with IVF, we celebrate our 6yr anniversary and 6yrs of trying for a baby and my girl ventures into middle school come fall time. eeekkkk.

Psalms 5:3 "In the morning, LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly."

This little light of mine.... I'm gonna let it shine.

Sometimes when my mind is weary, my heart is confused and Satan plants seeds of fear, I can be certain of two things: God is faithful to his Word and God is good, all the time. I am His child and He is for me. He has filled my days with laughter, songs of joy have stained my lips and fruit has been harvested. His blessings abound. Struggling to conceive does not define me, nor does a season of sowing with tears. His mercies are new, everyday. God has blessed me with more goodness than I can count... who am I to tell Him that He is withholding from me?! Silly girl. What I learned as a child in Sunday school... My God is so big, so strong and so mighty, there is nothing My God can not do. This little light of mine, I'm gonna shine....I will be a light unto His world, I won't hide under a bushel...allowing myself or the world tell me what's best for me while sowing seeds sadness.... NO! I'm gonna shine for Him.

And I can also be certain of this: He has blessed me with an amazing daughter, a fabulous husband to spend my life with, a roof over my head and food to eat. Hope and a future...  Jer 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

"Jim Eliot, the missionary who was martyred in the 1950s, said, “Nothing given to God is ever wasted.”  We surrender to God not only what is in our hands, but our hands themselves, which are empty and aching, knowing that even our loss is not wasted. Knowing that God is acting both in presence and in absence."

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23

For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.Romans 8:24-25

When the LORD restored the fortunes of Zion,
   we were like those who dreamed.
 Our mouths were filled with laughter,
   our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations,
   “The LORD has done great things for them.”
 The LORD has done great things for us,
   and we are filled with joy.

 Restore our fortunes, LORD,
   like streams in the south.
 Those who sow with tears
   will reap with songs of joy.
 Those who go out weeping,
   carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
   carrying sheaves with them.

Psalm 126

Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation. Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain. Philippians 2:14

Faith flourishes

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us." Ephesians 3:20 His gifts are truly immeasurable.

"He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD." Psalm 113:9

“The desire to have children who are biologically related to us is natural since it is part of God’s original design in creation (Genesis 1:28). To study why people desire children is about as necessary as studying why people fall in love. Both are related to the Creator’s design. Unfortunately, that design was corrupted by the Fall, resulting in human failures in marital relationships and unfulfilled desires of procreation. Love is not always requited, and couples are not always able to have children.” - quote from an online article.

The two verses hit me today at church - one from a friend and one from a card. I love His Word. I ran across the quote online as I was researching some IVF topics. After my "Trust" post, I thought moving on with the empty "baby room" would be a difficult transition. However, I find myself at peace. I have no doubt He gave me that peace, He lead me in there and wouldn't abandon my ache. He replaced it with joy. He may not have filled the space with a baby yet, but He hasn't left it barren. He planted the seed of joy and continues to help it grow. I pray that He would use my hands to glorify His name, that He would use my time in there as a way to speak to me and I ask Him to fill me with supernatural peace and joy. I find the room to be my little sanctuary. My "faith room" does not disappoint.

I finished some teacher gifts - a wooden recipe/photo holder. I'll attach a granola recipe card to the clip and fill the green/cheetah tins with homemade granola. I'll tie them up in a brown bag, using that green ribbon and Merry Christmas cards. Voila!

A Room for Faith... and glitter, paint and E6000

So, as of December 1, 2010, the "baby's room" has become the "Mom Room"... or what struck me as I lay on the floor resting my aching back... "Faith's Room". Some of you... all 2 of you that follow my blog.... may remember the post I called Lonely Rocking Chair and Fluffy Carpet (click to read it). After months, or about 5 years (but who's counting), of reserving that room, I decided to USE it! So, that lonely rocking chair and fluffy carpet have company. I'm in the process of getting an old desk and chair to use. I need space, lots of it, to do my thing... crafts, etc. If you read my previous post, TRUST, you'll see the process of me trusting... living where God has me today. I'm not giving up, but embracing where He has us and what He has given us. He has given me creative ideas and I want to use them. I made 5 Christmas gifts today! As I mentioned, I don't have a desk yet, so I sat on the floor.... hence the aching back. I used to use our kitchen table and it was a chore to keep it clean, glue-free, stain-free and cleaned up before dinner. My Mom Room will be a great place to spread my wings. I'm looking for a desk, chair, old chandelier and fun photos to hang everywhere. I want it to be a fun, creative and relaxing room :) So, as I lay on the floor, listening to my Ipod, stretching my back and feeling happy about the completed Christmas gifts, the Lord gently whispered to me. He said "Sarah, call this Faith's Room.... Don't think of it as giving up or moving away from your dream." I can't help but go back and forth between "Faith's Room" and "Hope's Room".

Here she is BEFORE all the fun furniture and decor. Hoping to post more photos in the upcoming weeks.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 

 I Corinthians 13:13 

Here are some frames I've made in the past... for gifts and to sell.

TRUST : assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something

"The Word united with faith leads to the rest of faith. Unbelief is a lack of faith! And that is a sin. 'Whatever is not from faith is sin' (Romans 14:23)". Kay Arthur in Faithful Abundant and True.

Obey. Trust. Remain faithful. "Jesus paid it all! You cannot  pay a thing! His sacrifice was sufficient. Your sins are remembered no more by Him (Hebrews 10:17,18). Why are you remembering them? You are forgiven!" Kay Arthur.

After speaking to a Spirit filled, wise and loving friend, she helped me make some realizations this week. This entry is one part of my "surgical laceration" of my strongholds.... lack of trust, lack of self-worth and burden of guilt. Man, that just feels heavy to write. Let alone carry on my girlie shoulders.

Truths vs Lies. God vs Satan. Trust vs Playing God.

1. My daughter "needs" a sibling. I don't want her to be an only child. I want her to have that bond with siblings and future nieces/nephews, etc.... I want to fulfill those possible voids. I want to fill that hole she may one day fall in to. I want her to wear the "I'm a Big Sister" t-shirt in life. God - I know what is best for your daughter. It is not your job to fill holes. It's not your job to look into the future and decide what is best for future generations. 

2. My husband deserves to have a child of his very own. He deserves to be called "daddy". He deserves to experience childbirth. His family is filled with babies that look like him. I want him to have a child he can call "his own". My husband is such a wonderful, good and loving man of God, I want him to experience fatherhood in it's full capacity. Are my sins, my past, my consequences preventing him from becoming a father? Please don't allow my consequences to affect him. God - I know what is best for your husband. It is not your job to fill those holes. It's not your job to look into the future and decide what is best for future generations. I know his aching. I know his longing and desires better than you do. I know what it is like to want children, I made you. Let me take care of your husbands hurt. Let me speak to Him and let him take on and handle his own feelings. I have plans to give him hope and a future. I have plans to prosper his life.

3. I've made mistakes. I've sinned. I have consequences that I must owe. I'm not good enough. I can't make God happy enough. He must be punishing my actions. My body must not be healthy enough. I must eat better. I must be fit. I shouldn't do anything "Google" says women shouldn't do who are trying to become pregnant. Maybe if  I learn that thing God wants me to learn, He'll allow me to conceive. Must do, be and try harder. God - I made you just the way you are. I paid it all, your sin is covered, forgiven and remembered no more. I can do anything - raise the dead,  heal the sick and open a barren womb. I do not make mistakes. I want the glory. I want to be first, not your infertility. You are not, can not be and never will be perfect. I want you to love, trust, obey and long for me. Satan is deceiving you. Do not allow him to make you feel unworthy. Embrace the Truths I offer you, embrace My Word and keep it in your mind ,heart and on your tongue.

4. It has been over 5 years, I should just move on. Let go of the dreams. But, I have this incredible maternal instinct/feeling/desire to have another child. I ache to have a baby with my husband. Hold off on IVF, we aren't feeling lead to do it anyway. We are putting our desires all before Him. I want to make the "babies room" into a craft room. I want to enjoy life - here, now and with what I have... and don't have. God - My timing is perfect. Don't let go of your dreams, allow Me to meet your needs. I can take away those desires if You want me to - IF they are not going to be met. I don't want you to ache. I want to comfort you. It's not letting go of a dream, it's letting go of control. It's letting go of the tug-o-war rope you are playing with Me. It's letting go of your time line, your plan. It's letting go if the disobedience, lack of trust and burden. You have this life - these blessings - because of Me. Enjoy them. Be thankful for them. You have a wonderfully full life - you are where I want you to be. Embrace it. Live in it... that craft room can always be changed into a baby's room. Live in today. I will take care of tomorrow.

5. I have not been trusting God. Please forgive me. God - If it is for your good and My glory,  you will get it. That is My promise to you. You will survive if you don't have another child. Your life will still be whole, abundant and complete. Trust me and you will see. Trust me to fill that void you currently have. Trust me to fill it in a way that you don't understand. You haven't been trusting Me to meet your needs, your desires... you feel like you have to carry the burden and bring your dreams to fruition. Nothing will come to fruition if it is not best for you. Trust me - the unborn child you long for is in My hands. I know what maternal ache you endure. I know the longing, I made you because I longed for you. My Child, I know what it is like to long for a child. Please trust Me to take care of every detail of your life. I want to give you gold, not silver. I have plans to prosper you, to give you hope and a future. Lay the stronghold of fear at My feet. I will take care of the burdens.


6. What do we do? Do we do IVF? Why didn't we do it months ago when we first decided we would? Do we keeping "waiting" for.... what??? Wait? It hurts to keep waiting. It hurts to not know if we should be waiting or acting. I feel like that IVF door is shut and I'm trying to pry it open. Sometimes I want to open it and just walk through it, trusting You will stop us if it's not what You want. But, it's locked. I feel it locked, that should be our Stop Sign. I don't want our Stop Sign to be a negative pregnancy test at the end of the road. I want to stop when I first see the red flag. I'm torn. God - the Holy Spirit is not at peace in you because the choice is not yours to make right now. Wait. You know it's not an easy choice or action because you want it, not Me. Today I am saying to wait. You and your husband will not feel at ease with a choice until the Holy Spirit brings that peace among you...after I bless it. I will let you know. I know what type of assurance and guidance you need, trust Me to do it in a way that is best for you. Trust me to speak loud and clear. Listen. Trust. Divine Appointment - if there is a child, he/she is to come at the best time for his/her life. It's not all about you!

7. I really do have a beautiful life. So much abundance, blessings and love. God is so good. I don't want to take away from all that He has given because of one thing - a baby - that He has chosen to not allow me access to at this time. How can I not trust Him? I can't lose when I do. I have everything to gain. So, today, I make a choice to trust Him 100%. Trust Him that He has my life - my family - right in the palm of His mighty, loving and compassionate hand. Trust Him to fill my longings. Trust Him to know what is best for my daughter and husband. Trust Him to give me hope and a future. Trust Him to speak to us in a way that will lead our decisions. Trust Him to wait for whatever He brings or does not bring our way. Trust Him enough to know it's best. Trust Him enough to be happy with my blessings because it's what He wants for my life!


"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song." Psalms 28:7

P.S. Love this blog http://dancinguponbarrenland.com/

Lord, please equip me for this journey

I  have been praying for something in our lives, unrelated to infertility. I was praying one of two things would happen. One thing did happen and I am thankful. This "thing" is a good thing. But, I didn't think about the next phase of this "thing" happening. Until I got the news of a certain aspect of this new path and became a wreck again. This all may sound confusing, but I can't go in to details. However, I can share this quote and relate it to our infertility journey. It calmed my racing mind. It reminds me not worry - or question - about the new phase of the "thing", but embrace the chance to ask God to help better equip me for the journey.

*Our tomorrows pass through His hands before they reach us. Don't complain and worry, but ask Him to equip us for the journey ahead.... the one He brought into our lives*

I pray and pray for xyz, but sometimes an answered prayer leaves me saying "uh oh, now what?". This "thing" that has happened, like infertility, passed through His hands before it came into my life. I can choose to be worried, anxious, sad or afraid. Or, I can choose to feel weak for a moment until I ask Him for strength, guidance and support. I need to be equipped instead of unarmed. I need His help, I need the type of armor only He can furnish. Father, equip me as You see fit, I surrender all. I am choosing to trust in You and your provisions.

"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things." Ecclesiastes 11:5


"Therefore, your minds must be clear and ready for action. Place your confidence completely in what God's kindness will bring you when Jesus Christ appears again." 1 Peter 1:13