Boy oh Boy, how we've been blessed!

Owen and Sam born November 2011

Owen: gift from God
Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. James 1:17

Sam: the Lord hears
For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me my petition that I made to him. I Samuel 1:27

 Owen and Sam - 5months

I took a leave from the blog because most of you get plenty of updates on my Facebook :) I wanted to give one last update on this blog, so that all would know the mighty thanks we give God for the two blessings he chose for us. I can't accurately express all that God taught me in our 6year wait, but I can say that He was forgiving of my impatience, anger, confusion, depression, doubt and He continually filled me with His grace and love.

I am thankful daily that God doesn't abandon or give up on me due to shortcomings.... the boys are a reminder of His good and perfect plan. I didn't do anything to earn them, I wasn't "good enough" or plea enough... He chose this generation to bring these boys into our lives, for His kingdom and His special plan for their lives. We give all the glory to God.  

Revelation 4:11 You are worthy, Jehovah, even our God, to receive the glory and the honor and the power, because you created all things, and because of your will they existed and were created.

Two Baby Boys!

Psalm 113:9 He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the LORD!

Snips and snails, and puppy dogs tails....

...that's what little boys are made of.... One BOY and One ??? We think baby B is a boy too, we hope to know 100% at tomorrow's visit! I am 19 weeks this weekend and the babies are doing great. Almost to the half-way mark :)

 



"Your hands made me and formed me...." Psalms 119:73

...clothed me with joy... I will give give thanks forever

I have been missing the blog world and all my friends updates! We are growing and growing and loving every moment. I still wake up each morning in awe of God's goodness in the creation of these babies. I'm almost 15 weeks and we found out we are having atleast ONE BOY! Baby B was being too still, but hoping a Coke on the way to our appointment next week will get her/him dancing around.

 I told my mom the other day that our 6year journey seems like it happened and was over in the blink of an eye. I remember days-weeks-months when I would think about how looooooong this journey felt, how I would be so sad at times, so alone, so impatient. And although I tried very hard to praise Him in the storm, it felt like the sun would never shine. I feel like the path God had us on was carefully orchestrated (which it was!) and that He knew along (which He did!) that we would get to this place in our lives and the waiting in and of itself would not matter. The lessons matter, the time I spent on my knees to Him matter, His timing matters, the love He poured onto me matters, these babies appointed time for life matters, but the actual time.it.took. doesn't matter anymore. Make any sense whatsoever?

Psalm 30:11-12
You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever.

How sweet He is........

Dreams becoming reality..... not only thankful for these blessings, but for the person He's helped me become through this trial.

Give thanks to the Lord, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done. Sing to him, sing praise to him; tell of all his wonderful acts. Glory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice. Look at the Lord and his strength; seek his face always. Psalm 105:1-5

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. Romans 5:1-5

I will tell of your wonders.....

I will praise you, oh Lord, with all of my heart; I will tell of all your wonders.I will be glad and rejoice in you; I will sing praise to your name, O Most High. Psalm 9:1,2

After 6years of negative pregnancy tests, God has chosen the perfect time to give us a positive pregnancy test! We give Him all the glory. We are doubly blessed with TWINS! We are thrilled, in awe and trusting His hands to allow these babies to grow and thrive. I'm 7 weeks, so I'm still a little nervous, but putting all my fears at his feet. My due date is this December.

My heart is still with those going through infertility struggles, I know what it's like to read posts like this one, bittersweet. You will remain in my prayers, I understand your hurt, longing and frustration.

You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever.
Psalm 30:11,12

how much more valuable you are than the birds!

And He said to His disciples, "For this reason I say to you, do not worry about your life, as to what you will eat; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing? Consider the ravens, for they neither sow nor reap; they have no storeroom nor barn, and yet God feeds them; how much more valuable you are than the birds! And which of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life's span? If then you cannot do even a very little thing, why do you worry about other matters? Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; but I tell you, not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass in the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, how much more will He clothe you? You men of little faith! And do not seek what you will eat and what you will drink, and do not keep worrying. "Luke 12:22-29

As I eagerly await the results of our 2 embryos finding their home in my womb, I'm struck by the significance of these cute bluebird eggs I found at my moms country home a few weeks ago. I too am waiting, hoping, praying, my eggs will safely hatch.... beautifully implant.... continuing God's miracle of life as growth begins. My egg retrieval and embryo transfer are complete... fabulous results, some OHSS along the way... however, I was right in the palm of His loving hand all along. 

In Psalms 139:15, it says My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place... "Secret Place" was such a sweet description to me when I thought about my little embryos forming in the culture wells inside a dark, sterilized, medical lab. God may give the medical world knowledge and tools, but He is the ultimate Creator of Life. Oh, how precious is His name of all the earth!

Father, you are sovereign, may you and you alone receive the glory. Thank you for where you have me. Please keep me grounded while I patiently wait for the big day! Fill me up with your peace! Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you. Psalms 139:13-18

He is capable of things beyond measure, beyond my requests and beyond my imagination

My sweet friend, Jenifer Crane, created a blog Those Who Have Young....... Jen is a God-fearing woman, rock star wife and mom, a hilarious gal and loyal friend. She asked a few of us to tell a little bit about our stories in regards to depression and needing a soft place to fall with other God-loving mamas. It's "a community for moms to find comfort, compassion and encouragement, laced with authenticity, freedom, laughter and love". So.... here is my little blip in regards to infertility.

"And the Lord will continually guide you, and satisfy your desires in scorched places, and give strength to your bones; and will be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water whose water does not fail." Isaiah 58:11

Just read that verse and absorb it for a moment. He WILL. Continually. Satisfy my desires. Strengthen. Flourish. Succeed. That is some good stuff, friends.

Infertility. That one word can actually draw a tear to some. It doesn't simply read "infertility" to a woman who is/has struggled with conceiving a child. It reads: guilt, shame, heartache, hurt, failure, grief, loss of a dream, physical ache, debt, pain, tears, loneliness, hopeless, depression, anger, confusion, insecurity, embarrassment, patience, lack of patience, wait, sin, unfulfilled longing, burden, regret, etc....

The good Lord didn't say if we would have trials, but when. When we face trials, such as infertility, it drags along emotions that I mentioned above. What a heavy burden. My husband and I have been struggling with infertility baggage for almost 6 years. We've done it all, tried it all and currently in the IVF process. My shoulders have been heavy. Like, crazy heavy. Who am I to expect my wimpy shoulders to carry that load? God is so big, yet I set Him in a cozy little box. "You are capable of things beyond measure, beyond my requests and beyond my imagination" Eph 3:20  Remember the kids church song "My God is so big, so strong and so mighty, there's nothing my God can not do!". How easily we - I - forget what I learned in kindergarten.

I think infertility issues, emotions and thoughts are only conquered on a daily, conscience, moment-to-moment basis. A counselor once told me that infertility struggles is comparable to the loss of a loved one. The loss of a dream. The loss of hope. One moment an infertile woman can look at a cute bib at a store, smile and think "how cute" and then an hour later, see a cute diaper bag and begin to cry. One week I could barely get out of bed, the next week, I was out to conquer my depression. I believe that He gives us what we need, when we need it. He promises that truth in His Word. Sometimes He wants us to feel our emotions, cry and work through them. Sometimes He gives us the strength to look at a cute bib and think nothing more than "hey, that's kinda cute"... and move along. And sometimes, He wants us to get to the point where we get up in the morning and say "God, I can't get up or smile today unless you give me the joy and drive". Phil 4:13 - I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

He wants us to lay our burdens at His feet and acknowledge we are nothing without Him. I am a weak, depressed woman battling infertility and all the emotions it brings with it. However, my God doesn't allow me to be chained to that label. "Infertility" does not define me. That is not who I am in His eyes. I am His child. I am where He wants me to be. I have this trial in my life because His plan is good. I am lovely, loved and He has a prosperous plan for my future. Romans 5:1-5 tells me to be hopeful, expect His miracles. It tells me I am justified through faith and I gain peace with God through Jesus Christ. He tells me to rejoice in the hope HE gives to me. He tells me to rejoice in my sufferings, suffering produces perseverance, which builds my character and hope. Hope will not disappoint me because HE pours out His love in me, my heart, by the Holy Spirit. God, not me, can do these things.

Depression isn't an ugly, dirty, shameful word. How is it humanly possible to feel the things I stated above and not feel depressed at some point? Depressing things are a part of this sinful world. God's mercies and grace are new everyday, He wants us to ask for them daily. Sadness and hurt may hit you like a ton of bricks some days, just hit right back with His promises... wait for, hope and expect Him to give you what you need to conquer that wall. Psalms 27:14 - Wait and hope for and expect the Lord; be brave and of good courage and let your heart be stout and enduring. Yes, wait for and hope for and expect the Lord.

So ladies, get our your boxing gloves... aka His Word. Flood those insecurities with His promises. Take your feeling of anger, for example, and find all the verses you can that will stand up to anger and kick its booty. Take His Word and use it as a baseball bat against Satan's attacks. Give in to your hurts and weaknesses, accept them, feel them, don't be ashamed. Embrace them. He wants us to build character and hope out of these sufferings. He wants to be the one you cry to. He wants to give us wings to fly. Use the suffering as character building tools! HA! Sounds too easy huh?! Find encouragement for today, for this moment, and do it all over again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next.... 

In the multitude of my anxieties within me,Your comforts delight my soul. Psalm 94:19

'Cause I got a peaceful easy feeling, And I know you won't let me down 'cause I'm already standing on the ground.'

Ever just feel a peaceful, easy feeling, over something that shouldn't be very peaceful or easy? I do. I have all week. Today is our "Day 3" of the IVF process. I'm excited, I'm a little nervous... not if it will work, but nervous about the side affects. IVF hormones = crazy time. Totally at peace with where God is leading. I have no control over whether or not IVF will be successful. I have no control over anything really. And I guess that's the crazy part... I'm out of control and so happy! That ain't easy for a Type A gal like myself to accept. So, I've given it all over to Him..... the guilt, the shame, the stress, the worry, the control, the doubt, the questioning... all of it. As I drove to the Dr this morning, I just cried tears of joy. Joy that peace is over me, not because I've created it, but because He has. I'm taking one day at a time... the hormones may kick in in a few weeks and my post will be about how crazy I've become, but today is a good day. One day at a time.

And yea, I mentioned awhile back our IVF dates would be kept private, but what the heck! I need my prayer warriors around me, lifting us up, there is power in prayer. I'm so thankful and grateful to my current prayer warriors, praying for us each step of the way. And yea, if it doesn't work I  hate to tell everyone "it didn't work". Hate it. But, more importantly I want, need, your prayers. He wants to be glorified. To God be the glory... and if I don't tell anyone, how will He receive the glory?! Baby or no baby, He is to be glorified. His timing and plan is the best. So, please echo our prayers for my health and a successful first attempt with IVF., His will to be done.

God is The Creator, my Doc and lab techs are just His tools. “For thou didst form my inward parts, thou didst knit me together in my mother’s womb.” – Psalm 139:13

Excited to see what this year holds, My Man turns 40, we have a 40day process with IVF, we celebrate our 6yr anniversary and 6yrs of trying for a baby and my girl ventures into middle school come fall time. eeekkkk.

Psalms 5:3 "In the morning, LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly."

This little light of mine.... I'm gonna let it shine.

Sometimes when my mind is weary, my heart is confused and Satan plants seeds of fear, I can be certain of two things: God is faithful to his Word and God is good, all the time. I am His child and He is for me. He has filled my days with laughter, songs of joy have stained my lips and fruit has been harvested. His blessings abound. Struggling to conceive does not define me, nor does a season of sowing with tears. His mercies are new, everyday. God has blessed me with more goodness than I can count... who am I to tell Him that He is withholding from me?! Silly girl. What I learned as a child in Sunday school... My God is so big, so strong and so mighty, there is nothing My God can not do. This little light of mine, I'm gonna shine....I will be a light unto His world, I won't hide under a bushel...allowing myself or the world tell me what's best for me while sowing seeds sadness.... NO! I'm gonna shine for Him.

And I can also be certain of this: He has blessed me with an amazing daughter, a fabulous husband to spend my life with, a roof over my head and food to eat. Hope and a future...  Jer 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

"Jim Eliot, the missionary who was martyred in the 1950s, said, “Nothing given to God is ever wasted.”  We surrender to God not only what is in our hands, but our hands themselves, which are empty and aching, knowing that even our loss is not wasted. Knowing that God is acting both in presence and in absence."

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23

For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.Romans 8:24-25

When the LORD restored the fortunes of Zion,
   we were like those who dreamed.
 Our mouths were filled with laughter,
   our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations,
   “The LORD has done great things for them.”
 The LORD has done great things for us,
   and we are filled with joy.

 Restore our fortunes, LORD,
   like streams in the south.
 Those who sow with tears
   will reap with songs of joy.
 Those who go out weeping,
   carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
   carrying sheaves with them.

Psalm 126

Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation. Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain. Philippians 2:14

Faith flourishes

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us." Ephesians 3:20 His gifts are truly immeasurable.

"He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD." Psalm 113:9

“The desire to have children who are biologically related to us is natural since it is part of God’s original design in creation (Genesis 1:28). To study why people desire children is about as necessary as studying why people fall in love. Both are related to the Creator’s design. Unfortunately, that design was corrupted by the Fall, resulting in human failures in marital relationships and unfulfilled desires of procreation. Love is not always requited, and couples are not always able to have children.” - quote from an online article.

The two verses hit me today at church - one from a friend and one from a card. I love His Word. I ran across the quote online as I was researching some IVF topics. After my "Trust" post, I thought moving on with the empty "baby room" would be a difficult transition. However, I find myself at peace. I have no doubt He gave me that peace, He lead me in there and wouldn't abandon my ache. He replaced it with joy. He may not have filled the space with a baby yet, but He hasn't left it barren. He planted the seed of joy and continues to help it grow. I pray that He would use my hands to glorify His name, that He would use my time in there as a way to speak to me and I ask Him to fill me with supernatural peace and joy. I find the room to be my little sanctuary. My "faith room" does not disappoint.

I finished some teacher gifts - a wooden recipe/photo holder. I'll attach a granola recipe card to the clip and fill the green/cheetah tins with homemade granola. I'll tie them up in a brown bag, using that green ribbon and Merry Christmas cards. Voila!

A Room for Faith... and glitter, paint and E6000

So, as of December 1, 2010, the "baby's room" has become the "Mom Room"... or what struck me as I lay on the floor resting my aching back... "Faith's Room". Some of you... all 2 of you that follow my blog.... may remember the post I called Lonely Rocking Chair and Fluffy Carpet (click to read it). After months, or about 5 years (but who's counting), of reserving that room, I decided to USE it! So, that lonely rocking chair and fluffy carpet have company. I'm in the process of getting an old desk and chair to use. I need space, lots of it, to do my thing... crafts, etc. If you read my previous post, TRUST, you'll see the process of me trusting... living where God has me today. I'm not giving up, but embracing where He has us and what He has given us. He has given me creative ideas and I want to use them. I made 5 Christmas gifts today! As I mentioned, I don't have a desk yet, so I sat on the floor.... hence the aching back. I used to use our kitchen table and it was a chore to keep it clean, glue-free, stain-free and cleaned up before dinner. My Mom Room will be a great place to spread my wings. I'm looking for a desk, chair, old chandelier and fun photos to hang everywhere. I want it to be a fun, creative and relaxing room :) So, as I lay on the floor, listening to my Ipod, stretching my back and feeling happy about the completed Christmas gifts, the Lord gently whispered to me. He said "Sarah, call this Faith's Room.... Don't think of it as giving up or moving away from your dream." I can't help but go back and forth between "Faith's Room" and "Hope's Room".

Here she is BEFORE all the fun furniture and decor. Hoping to post more photos in the upcoming weeks.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 

 I Corinthians 13:13 

Here are some frames I've made in the past... for gifts and to sell.

TRUST : assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something

"The Word united with faith leads to the rest of faith. Unbelief is a lack of faith! And that is a sin. 'Whatever is not from faith is sin' (Romans 14:23)". Kay Arthur in Faithful Abundant and True.

Obey. Trust. Remain faithful. "Jesus paid it all! You cannot  pay a thing! His sacrifice was sufficient. Your sins are remembered no more by Him (Hebrews 10:17,18). Why are you remembering them? You are forgiven!" Kay Arthur.

After speaking to a Spirit filled, wise and loving friend, she helped me make some realizations this week. This entry is one part of my "surgical laceration" of my strongholds.... lack of trust, lack of self-worth and burden of guilt. Man, that just feels heavy to write. Let alone carry on my girlie shoulders.

Truths vs Lies. God vs Satan. Trust vs Playing God.

1. My daughter "needs" a sibling. I don't want her to be an only child. I want her to have that bond with siblings and future nieces/nephews, etc.... I want to fulfill those possible voids. I want to fill that hole she may one day fall in to. I want her to wear the "I'm a Big Sister" t-shirt in life. God - I know what is best for your daughter. It is not your job to fill holes. It's not your job to look into the future and decide what is best for future generations. 

2. My husband deserves to have a child of his very own. He deserves to be called "daddy". He deserves to experience childbirth. His family is filled with babies that look like him. I want him to have a child he can call "his own". My husband is such a wonderful, good and loving man of God, I want him to experience fatherhood in it's full capacity. Are my sins, my past, my consequences preventing him from becoming a father? Please don't allow my consequences to affect him. God - I know what is best for your husband. It is not your job to fill those holes. It's not your job to look into the future and decide what is best for future generations. I know his aching. I know his longing and desires better than you do. I know what it is like to want children, I made you. Let me take care of your husbands hurt. Let me speak to Him and let him take on and handle his own feelings. I have plans to give him hope and a future. I have plans to prosper his life.

3. I've made mistakes. I've sinned. I have consequences that I must owe. I'm not good enough. I can't make God happy enough. He must be punishing my actions. My body must not be healthy enough. I must eat better. I must be fit. I shouldn't do anything "Google" says women shouldn't do who are trying to become pregnant. Maybe if  I learn that thing God wants me to learn, He'll allow me to conceive. Must do, be and try harder. God - I made you just the way you are. I paid it all, your sin is covered, forgiven and remembered no more. I can do anything - raise the dead,  heal the sick and open a barren womb. I do not make mistakes. I want the glory. I want to be first, not your infertility. You are not, can not be and never will be perfect. I want you to love, trust, obey and long for me. Satan is deceiving you. Do not allow him to make you feel unworthy. Embrace the Truths I offer you, embrace My Word and keep it in your mind ,heart and on your tongue.

4. It has been over 5 years, I should just move on. Let go of the dreams. But, I have this incredible maternal instinct/feeling/desire to have another child. I ache to have a baby with my husband. Hold off on IVF, we aren't feeling lead to do it anyway. We are putting our desires all before Him. I want to make the "babies room" into a craft room. I want to enjoy life - here, now and with what I have... and don't have. God - My timing is perfect. Don't let go of your dreams, allow Me to meet your needs. I can take away those desires if You want me to - IF they are not going to be met. I don't want you to ache. I want to comfort you. It's not letting go of a dream, it's letting go of control. It's letting go of the tug-o-war rope you are playing with Me. It's letting go of your time line, your plan. It's letting go if the disobedience, lack of trust and burden. You have this life - these blessings - because of Me. Enjoy them. Be thankful for them. You have a wonderfully full life - you are where I want you to be. Embrace it. Live in it... that craft room can always be changed into a baby's room. Live in today. I will take care of tomorrow.

5. I have not been trusting God. Please forgive me. God - If it is for your good and My glory,  you will get it. That is My promise to you. You will survive if you don't have another child. Your life will still be whole, abundant and complete. Trust me and you will see. Trust me to fill that void you currently have. Trust me to fill it in a way that you don't understand. You haven't been trusting Me to meet your needs, your desires... you feel like you have to carry the burden and bring your dreams to fruition. Nothing will come to fruition if it is not best for you. Trust me - the unborn child you long for is in My hands. I know what maternal ache you endure. I know the longing, I made you because I longed for you. My Child, I know what it is like to long for a child. Please trust Me to take care of every detail of your life. I want to give you gold, not silver. I have plans to prosper you, to give you hope and a future. Lay the stronghold of fear at My feet. I will take care of the burdens.


6. What do we do? Do we do IVF? Why didn't we do it months ago when we first decided we would? Do we keeping "waiting" for.... what??? Wait? It hurts to keep waiting. It hurts to not know if we should be waiting or acting. I feel like that IVF door is shut and I'm trying to pry it open. Sometimes I want to open it and just walk through it, trusting You will stop us if it's not what You want. But, it's locked. I feel it locked, that should be our Stop Sign. I don't want our Stop Sign to be a negative pregnancy test at the end of the road. I want to stop when I first see the red flag. I'm torn. God - the Holy Spirit is not at peace in you because the choice is not yours to make right now. Wait. You know it's not an easy choice or action because you want it, not Me. Today I am saying to wait. You and your husband will not feel at ease with a choice until the Holy Spirit brings that peace among you...after I bless it. I will let you know. I know what type of assurance and guidance you need, trust Me to do it in a way that is best for you. Trust me to speak loud and clear. Listen. Trust. Divine Appointment - if there is a child, he/she is to come at the best time for his/her life. It's not all about you!

7. I really do have a beautiful life. So much abundance, blessings and love. God is so good. I don't want to take away from all that He has given because of one thing - a baby - that He has chosen to not allow me access to at this time. How can I not trust Him? I can't lose when I do. I have everything to gain. So, today, I make a choice to trust Him 100%. Trust Him that He has my life - my family - right in the palm of His mighty, loving and compassionate hand. Trust Him to fill my longings. Trust Him to know what is best for my daughter and husband. Trust Him to give me hope and a future. Trust Him to speak to us in a way that will lead our decisions. Trust Him to wait for whatever He brings or does not bring our way. Trust Him enough to know it's best. Trust Him enough to be happy with my blessings because it's what He wants for my life!


"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song." Psalms 28:7

P.S. Love this blog http://dancinguponbarrenland.com/

Lord, please equip me for this journey

I  have been praying for something in our lives, unrelated to infertility. I was praying one of two things would happen. One thing did happen and I am thankful. This "thing" is a good thing. But, I didn't think about the next phase of this "thing" happening. Until I got the news of a certain aspect of this new path and became a wreck again. This all may sound confusing, but I can't go in to details. However, I can share this quote and relate it to our infertility journey. It calmed my racing mind. It reminds me not worry - or question - about the new phase of the "thing", but embrace the chance to ask God to help better equip me for the journey.

*Our tomorrows pass through His hands before they reach us. Don't complain and worry, but ask Him to equip us for the journey ahead.... the one He brought into our lives*

I pray and pray for xyz, but sometimes an answered prayer leaves me saying "uh oh, now what?". This "thing" that has happened, like infertility, passed through His hands before it came into my life. I can choose to be worried, anxious, sad or afraid. Or, I can choose to feel weak for a moment until I ask Him for strength, guidance and support. I need to be equipped instead of unarmed. I need His help, I need the type of armor only He can furnish. Father, equip me as You see fit, I surrender all. I am choosing to trust in You and your provisions.

"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things." Ecclesiastes 11:5


"Therefore, your minds must be clear and ready for action. Place your confidence completely in what God's kindness will bring you when Jesus Christ appears again." 1 Peter 1:13

His love helps me endure. Thank goodness. He is so good.

"The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever-- do not abandon the works of your hands."- Psalm 138:8

"Your words have supported those who stumbled; you have strengthened faltering knees."- Job 4:4

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."- Ephesians 3:16-19

"Empty Womb, Full Heart"

A sweet friend sent this to me. So glad to see churches are addressing this struggle. Pastor Gregg Matte did a great job.

Check out this sermon from First Baptist Church Houston - Part Three Empty Womb, Full Heart.
May 23, 2010

Psalm 113

 ¹ Praise the LORD. ^[a]
       Praise, O servants of the LORD,
       praise the name of the LORD.
 ² Let the name of the LORD be praised,
       both now and forevermore.
 ³ From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets,
       the name of the LORD is to be praised.
 ⁴ The LORD is exalted over all the nations,
       his glory above the heavens.
 ⁵ Who is like the LORD our God,
       the One who sits enthroned on high,
 ⁶ who stoops down to look
       on the heavens and the earth?
 ⁷ He raises the poor from the dust
       and lifts the needy from the ash heap;
 ⁸ he seats them with princes,
       with the princes of their people.
 ⁹ He settles the barren woman in her home
       as a happy mother of children.
       Praise the LORD.

Therapy - retail, professional or Ben and Jerry's

What I learned last week:
1. Stop being so hard on myself.
2. Stop blaming myself.
3. My marriage is a lot stronger than I realize due to this struggle. Don't put this issue before our marriage.
4. My husband and I are actually doing really well, considering!
5. Medicine, doctor's, cure-all's, no caffeine, the perfect eating/exercise regime or wives tales will not give me hope. He will give me hope and He is the creator of conception.
6. Pray, expect, listen, hope and be confident He will keep His promises.
7. Don't replace a professional counselor with friends. Friends can only mentor so much before it becomes their "job".  Don't make friend time, therapy time.
8. It's ok to cry. Cry out to Him.
9. It's ok to feel jealous, bitter, resentful. It's ok to feel. God wants me to talk to Him about those feelings.
10. God doesn't expect me to be perfect. He didn't die for perfect people.
11. It's ok to "try" for months, then become fearful of "trying"  because I've been conditioned to feel disappointment after "trying". I become fearful of "trying" because it has only resulted in disappointment. Sadness. He will refill my empty hole, not a pint of Ben and Jerry's. It is yummy though and I do occasionally partake in chocolate therapy. 
12. It's ok to be mad when I see that I've started my period. It's ok to be mad that this isn't "THE time" I see a BFP. It's also ok to ask God to forgive me for questioning His perfect plan and timing... and move on.
13. It's ok to be happy when I see a newborn baby and it's ok to let the tears flow as I think of what my future newborn baby might look like. It's ok to hope.
14. Infertility is like a deep dark hole - you don't know where it begins or where it ends. There are no words to describe it so that others understand it. It stinks to feel so alone at times.
15.Don't allow my struggle to become my obsession. Don't become addicted to achieving my desire.
16. I actually enjoyed talking to my sister-in-laws over dinner about their pregnancies. It makes me feel even closer to my baby nephews. I felt successful for not crying on the way home!
17. I hated sitting through a dinner with 3 friends that are expecting. I know they felt uncomfortable for my sake too, but luckily they acted totally natural. I know they hate it for me too.I felt like a failure for crying on the way home. Why couldn't I be stronger, like I was with my sister-in-laws the week before? See #1
18. It's ok to have good days and bad days. God is good, all the time. 
19. God is perfect. But, sometimes I find the "perfect" pair of shoes while doing some retail therapy after a bad day.
20. God is FOR me.

The appointment with a (professional) counselor was very insightful. Hubs and I were actually able to laugh a little as we left. The counselor told us that we wouldn't all of a sudden feel better or feel that our burdens were lifted or that there would be a sense of "everything is fine".... but that she was there for us as we needed counsel.After an hour, many tears, insight and love, she gave us a little "homework" and we were off. As we walked out the door, hubs and I hand in hand, I joked as I rubbed my tummy and said "Wow, I'm pregnant"!!! Oh how I wish it were that easy. It may not be that easy and our burdens were not automatically gone, but we did feel better! Life goes on my friends. I encourage you to seek out counsel if you feel it's needed. There is nothing wrong with it. It doesn't mean you are weak. It doesn't mean you are crazy :) It means the burden is heavy, it's hard and it's sad. It means that you are seeking counsel, just as He encourages!

Or try a little of #11 - Chocolate Therapy.

Without consultation, plans are frustrated, but with many counselors they succeed. Proverbs 15:22

I am Third

Three simple words: I Am Third. I was reminded of this instruction at our church kids camp. I went as a 6th grade girls leader. Wow, there are some amazing girls with big appetites for Him. I too learned a few things. I was reminded of my new -working on- way of thinking today. A sweet friend sent me an email with nuggets of wisdom from her own struggles with infertility. She wrote about the steps of her journey that she began a few years ago. I can relate with her heartbreak. Healing. Discovery. Pain. Growth. Sadness. Joy. I was reminded that for quite some time, I've been putting ME first. My pain, my loss, my dreams, my heartache.... One child from each cabin was nominated for an "I Am Third" award. These kids showed that they put God first, others second and themselves third. I had to get on my knees and ask for forgiveness because I've been putting myself first, my husband second and God third. I want what is "best" for me, for my husband and then hope it's His plan too. I've been far too consumed with getting what I want, when I want it.... I need(ed) a change of heart. It took a crazy week at a church kids camp to remind me of my weakness, my sin. I was reminded of the "addiction" (becoming pregnant) at church yesterday during a sermon, I was reminded today in a friend's testimony and I was reminded when I woke up this morning to the sounds of birds chirping. "Wren"... see the post below. God is putting too much on my mind and in my path for me not to grab onto the hope He is pouring into my heart. God is speaking to me! It sounds lovely and I want to put Him first. He has everything else under control. I just want Him. I want Him to show me what is best for me. I know it will be wonderful!

Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." Matthew 22:37-40

Wait and hope for and expect the Lord! Psalm 27:14

Hello bloggy friends, I've been away. I think a break was needed, to prevent myself from reading so many other positive/negative blogs! I needed some time to just "be" and not get so involved with others around me.... and no, I'm not pregnant! We are still planning on doing IVF this year, but I think I'll keep that exact path private. We've made an appointment with a counselor to discuss the toll infertility has taken on us... emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically. I can't wait!

God has "mysteriously" given me hope, in abundance. I woke up this morning with a song in my heart. I think He saw my tears for one too many days. I heard the name "Wren" a couple of years ago and always thought it was a pretty name for a little girl. I can see her sweet face already! Over the past several months I've become so burdened with the label "infertility" and the phrase "not pregnant". I was allowing this label to rob me of my joy, of God's plan. Although I'm still sad at times and need some help to work through my thoughts... the negative things swirling around in my head, I need to wait with expectation. Wait, hope and expect His wonders! "If we come to Him doubting His ability to speak, we will have a difficult time listening. So we must come expectantly"- Charles Stanley.

I woke up this morning and had all these thoughts running through my head..... this is what I sent my man at work:

"Wren" means songbird.

Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul - Emily Dickinson

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. Romans 5:3-5

"The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his field. Though it is the smallest of all your seeds, yet when it grows, it is the largest of garden plants and becomes a tree, so that the birds of the air come and perch in its branches."
Matthew 13:31-32

Wrens have a beautiful song that is loud and full it has a excellent speed and vibrant tones which can last for 5-6 seconds and can be heard a kilo-meter away.

I will give thanks to the Lord with all my heart, I will tell of all your wonders. I will be glad and rejoice in you, I will sing praise to your name. Psalm 9:1-2

Listen to my voice in the morning, Lord. Each morning I bring my requests to you and wait expectantly. 

Psalm 5:3

Wait and hope for and expect the Lord, be brave and of good courage and let your heart be stout and enduring. Yes, wait for and hope for and expect the Lord. Psalm 27:14

I'm not proclaiming we'll have a girl and name her Wren, but the name and the meaning and the Holy Spirit spoke to me today and I thought I should share!

Congrats to all my bloggy friends on upcoming babies, I'm praying for those still on the journey..... He does hear our plea and He relishes our praises.

Singing praises of His goodness and I can't wait to give Him all the glory when He reveals His plan for our family.

Baby shower, friend expecting and starting

Planning my brother/sister-in-law's baby shower, making cute monkey and frog picture frames for unborn - already precious - nephew's bathroom... making a Congrats banner and assembling a fun baby gift basket... can't wait to meet him. Secretly planning the theme for my one-day baby's room. I just got off the phone with a friend that got pregnant "just on her first month of trying!". Went to the restroom to shed a couple of self-pity tears in private, dry my eyes and come out with a smile infront of my daughter and her friend... on top of that, the restroom break shed light on the fact that I just started. Really? Blah. Is it too early to go to bed?

"I consider our present sufferings insignificant compared to the glory that will soon be revealed to us." Romans 8:18