Faith flourishes

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us." Ephesians 3:20 His gifts are truly immeasurable.

"He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD." Psalm 113:9

“The desire to have children who are biologically related to us is natural since it is part of God’s original design in creation (Genesis 1:28). To study why people desire children is about as necessary as studying why people fall in love. Both are related to the Creator’s design. Unfortunately, that design was corrupted by the Fall, resulting in human failures in marital relationships and unfulfilled desires of procreation. Love is not always requited, and couples are not always able to have children.” - quote from an online article.

The two verses hit me today at church - one from a friend and one from a card. I love His Word. I ran across the quote online as I was researching some IVF topics. After my "Trust" post, I thought moving on with the empty "baby room" would be a difficult transition. However, I find myself at peace. I have no doubt He gave me that peace, He lead me in there and wouldn't abandon my ache. He replaced it with joy. He may not have filled the space with a baby yet, but He hasn't left it barren. He planted the seed of joy and continues to help it grow. I pray that He would use my hands to glorify His name, that He would use my time in there as a way to speak to me and I ask Him to fill me with supernatural peace and joy. I find the room to be my little sanctuary. My "faith room" does not disappoint.

I finished some teacher gifts - a wooden recipe/photo holder. I'll attach a granola recipe card to the clip and fill the green/cheetah tins with homemade granola. I'll tie them up in a brown bag, using that green ribbon and Merry Christmas cards. Voila!

A Room for Faith... and glitter, paint and E6000

So, as of December 1, 2010, the "baby's room" has become the "Mom Room"... or what struck me as I lay on the floor resting my aching back... "Faith's Room". Some of you... all 2 of you that follow my blog.... may remember the post I called Lonely Rocking Chair and Fluffy Carpet (click to read it). After months, or about 5 years (but who's counting), of reserving that room, I decided to USE it! So, that lonely rocking chair and fluffy carpet have company. I'm in the process of getting an old desk and chair to use. I need space, lots of it, to do my thing... crafts, etc. If you read my previous post, TRUST, you'll see the process of me trusting... living where God has me today. I'm not giving up, but embracing where He has us and what He has given us. He has given me creative ideas and I want to use them. I made 5 Christmas gifts today! As I mentioned, I don't have a desk yet, so I sat on the floor.... hence the aching back. I used to use our kitchen table and it was a chore to keep it clean, glue-free, stain-free and cleaned up before dinner. My Mom Room will be a great place to spread my wings. I'm looking for a desk, chair, old chandelier and fun photos to hang everywhere. I want it to be a fun, creative and relaxing room :) So, as I lay on the floor, listening to my Ipod, stretching my back and feeling happy about the completed Christmas gifts, the Lord gently whispered to me. He said "Sarah, call this Faith's Room.... Don't think of it as giving up or moving away from your dream." I can't help but go back and forth between "Faith's Room" and "Hope's Room".

Here she is BEFORE all the fun furniture and decor. Hoping to post more photos in the upcoming weeks.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 

 I Corinthians 13:13 

Here are some frames I've made in the past... for gifts and to sell.

TRUST : assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something

"The Word united with faith leads to the rest of faith. Unbelief is a lack of faith! And that is a sin. 'Whatever is not from faith is sin' (Romans 14:23)". Kay Arthur in Faithful Abundant and True.

Obey. Trust. Remain faithful. "Jesus paid it all! You cannot  pay a thing! His sacrifice was sufficient. Your sins are remembered no more by Him (Hebrews 10:17,18). Why are you remembering them? You are forgiven!" Kay Arthur.

After speaking to a Spirit filled, wise and loving friend, she helped me make some realizations this week. This entry is one part of my "surgical laceration" of my strongholds.... lack of trust, lack of self-worth and burden of guilt. Man, that just feels heavy to write. Let alone carry on my girlie shoulders.

Truths vs Lies. God vs Satan. Trust vs Playing God.

1. My daughter "needs" a sibling. I don't want her to be an only child. I want her to have that bond with siblings and future nieces/nephews, etc.... I want to fulfill those possible voids. I want to fill that hole she may one day fall in to. I want her to wear the "I'm a Big Sister" t-shirt in life. God - I know what is best for your daughter. It is not your job to fill holes. It's not your job to look into the future and decide what is best for future generations. 

2. My husband deserves to have a child of his very own. He deserves to be called "daddy". He deserves to experience childbirth. His family is filled with babies that look like him. I want him to have a child he can call "his own". My husband is such a wonderful, good and loving man of God, I want him to experience fatherhood in it's full capacity. Are my sins, my past, my consequences preventing him from becoming a father? Please don't allow my consequences to affect him. God - I know what is best for your husband. It is not your job to fill those holes. It's not your job to look into the future and decide what is best for future generations. I know his aching. I know his longing and desires better than you do. I know what it is like to want children, I made you. Let me take care of your husbands hurt. Let me speak to Him and let him take on and handle his own feelings. I have plans to give him hope and a future. I have plans to prosper his life.

3. I've made mistakes. I've sinned. I have consequences that I must owe. I'm not good enough. I can't make God happy enough. He must be punishing my actions. My body must not be healthy enough. I must eat better. I must be fit. I shouldn't do anything "Google" says women shouldn't do who are trying to become pregnant. Maybe if  I learn that thing God wants me to learn, He'll allow me to conceive. Must do, be and try harder. God - I made you just the way you are. I paid it all, your sin is covered, forgiven and remembered no more. I can do anything - raise the dead,  heal the sick and open a barren womb. I do not make mistakes. I want the glory. I want to be first, not your infertility. You are not, can not be and never will be perfect. I want you to love, trust, obey and long for me. Satan is deceiving you. Do not allow him to make you feel unworthy. Embrace the Truths I offer you, embrace My Word and keep it in your mind ,heart and on your tongue.

4. It has been over 5 years, I should just move on. Let go of the dreams. But, I have this incredible maternal instinct/feeling/desire to have another child. I ache to have a baby with my husband. Hold off on IVF, we aren't feeling lead to do it anyway. We are putting our desires all before Him. I want to make the "babies room" into a craft room. I want to enjoy life - here, now and with what I have... and don't have. God - My timing is perfect. Don't let go of your dreams, allow Me to meet your needs. I can take away those desires if You want me to - IF they are not going to be met. I don't want you to ache. I want to comfort you. It's not letting go of a dream, it's letting go of control. It's letting go of the tug-o-war rope you are playing with Me. It's letting go of your time line, your plan. It's letting go if the disobedience, lack of trust and burden. You have this life - these blessings - because of Me. Enjoy them. Be thankful for them. You have a wonderfully full life - you are where I want you to be. Embrace it. Live in it... that craft room can always be changed into a baby's room. Live in today. I will take care of tomorrow.

5. I have not been trusting God. Please forgive me. God - If it is for your good and My glory,  you will get it. That is My promise to you. You will survive if you don't have another child. Your life will still be whole, abundant and complete. Trust me and you will see. Trust me to fill that void you currently have. Trust me to fill it in a way that you don't understand. You haven't been trusting Me to meet your needs, your desires... you feel like you have to carry the burden and bring your dreams to fruition. Nothing will come to fruition if it is not best for you. Trust me - the unborn child you long for is in My hands. I know what maternal ache you endure. I know the longing, I made you because I longed for you. My Child, I know what it is like to long for a child. Please trust Me to take care of every detail of your life. I want to give you gold, not silver. I have plans to prosper you, to give you hope and a future. Lay the stronghold of fear at My feet. I will take care of the burdens.


6. What do we do? Do we do IVF? Why didn't we do it months ago when we first decided we would? Do we keeping "waiting" for.... what??? Wait? It hurts to keep waiting. It hurts to not know if we should be waiting or acting. I feel like that IVF door is shut and I'm trying to pry it open. Sometimes I want to open it and just walk through it, trusting You will stop us if it's not what You want. But, it's locked. I feel it locked, that should be our Stop Sign. I don't want our Stop Sign to be a negative pregnancy test at the end of the road. I want to stop when I first see the red flag. I'm torn. God - the Holy Spirit is not at peace in you because the choice is not yours to make right now. Wait. You know it's not an easy choice or action because you want it, not Me. Today I am saying to wait. You and your husband will not feel at ease with a choice until the Holy Spirit brings that peace among you...after I bless it. I will let you know. I know what type of assurance and guidance you need, trust Me to do it in a way that is best for you. Trust me to speak loud and clear. Listen. Trust. Divine Appointment - if there is a child, he/she is to come at the best time for his/her life. It's not all about you!

7. I really do have a beautiful life. So much abundance, blessings and love. God is so good. I don't want to take away from all that He has given because of one thing - a baby - that He has chosen to not allow me access to at this time. How can I not trust Him? I can't lose when I do. I have everything to gain. So, today, I make a choice to trust Him 100%. Trust Him that He has my life - my family - right in the palm of His mighty, loving and compassionate hand. Trust Him to fill my longings. Trust Him to know what is best for my daughter and husband. Trust Him to give me hope and a future. Trust Him to speak to us in a way that will lead our decisions. Trust Him to wait for whatever He brings or does not bring our way. Trust Him enough to know it's best. Trust Him enough to be happy with my blessings because it's what He wants for my life!


"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song." Psalms 28:7

P.S. Love this blog http://dancinguponbarrenland.com/

Lord, please equip me for this journey

I  have been praying for something in our lives, unrelated to infertility. I was praying one of two things would happen. One thing did happen and I am thankful. This "thing" is a good thing. But, I didn't think about the next phase of this "thing" happening. Until I got the news of a certain aspect of this new path and became a wreck again. This all may sound confusing, but I can't go in to details. However, I can share this quote and relate it to our infertility journey. It calmed my racing mind. It reminds me not worry - or question - about the new phase of the "thing", but embrace the chance to ask God to help better equip me for the journey.

*Our tomorrows pass through His hands before they reach us. Don't complain and worry, but ask Him to equip us for the journey ahead.... the one He brought into our lives*

I pray and pray for xyz, but sometimes an answered prayer leaves me saying "uh oh, now what?". This "thing" that has happened, like infertility, passed through His hands before it came into my life. I can choose to be worried, anxious, sad or afraid. Or, I can choose to feel weak for a moment until I ask Him for strength, guidance and support. I need to be equipped instead of unarmed. I need His help, I need the type of armor only He can furnish. Father, equip me as You see fit, I surrender all. I am choosing to trust in You and your provisions.

"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things." Ecclesiastes 11:5


"Therefore, your minds must be clear and ready for action. Place your confidence completely in what God's kindness will bring you when Jesus Christ appears again." 1 Peter 1:13

His love helps me endure. Thank goodness. He is so good.

"The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever-- do not abandon the works of your hands."- Psalm 138:8

"Your words have supported those who stumbled; you have strengthened faltering knees."- Job 4:4

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."- Ephesians 3:16-19

"Empty Womb, Full Heart"

A sweet friend sent this to me. So glad to see churches are addressing this struggle. Pastor Gregg Matte did a great job.

Check out this sermon from First Baptist Church Houston - Part Three Empty Womb, Full Heart.
May 23, 2010

Psalm 113

 ¹ Praise the LORD. ^[a]
       Praise, O servants of the LORD,
       praise the name of the LORD.
 ² Let the name of the LORD be praised,
       both now and forevermore.
 ³ From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets,
       the name of the LORD is to be praised.
 ⁴ The LORD is exalted over all the nations,
       his glory above the heavens.
 ⁵ Who is like the LORD our God,
       the One who sits enthroned on high,
 ⁶ who stoops down to look
       on the heavens and the earth?
 ⁷ He raises the poor from the dust
       and lifts the needy from the ash heap;
 ⁸ he seats them with princes,
       with the princes of their people.
 ⁹ He settles the barren woman in her home
       as a happy mother of children.
       Praise the LORD.

Therapy - retail, professional or Ben and Jerry's

What I learned last week:
1. Stop being so hard on myself.
2. Stop blaming myself.
3. My marriage is a lot stronger than I realize due to this struggle. Don't put this issue before our marriage.
4. My husband and I are actually doing really well, considering!
5. Medicine, doctor's, cure-all's, no caffeine, the perfect eating/exercise regime or wives tales will not give me hope. He will give me hope and He is the creator of conception.
6. Pray, expect, listen, hope and be confident He will keep His promises.
7. Don't replace a professional counselor with friends. Friends can only mentor so much before it becomes their "job".  Don't make friend time, therapy time.
8. It's ok to cry. Cry out to Him.
9. It's ok to feel jealous, bitter, resentful. It's ok to feel. God wants me to talk to Him about those feelings.
10. God doesn't expect me to be perfect. He didn't die for perfect people.
11. It's ok to "try" for months, then become fearful of "trying"  because I've been conditioned to feel disappointment after "trying". I become fearful of "trying" because it has only resulted in disappointment. Sadness. He will refill my empty hole, not a pint of Ben and Jerry's. It is yummy though and I do occasionally partake in chocolate therapy. 
12. It's ok to be mad when I see that I've started my period. It's ok to be mad that this isn't "THE time" I see a BFP. It's also ok to ask God to forgive me for questioning His perfect plan and timing... and move on.
13. It's ok to be happy when I see a newborn baby and it's ok to let the tears flow as I think of what my future newborn baby might look like. It's ok to hope.
14. Infertility is like a deep dark hole - you don't know where it begins or where it ends. There are no words to describe it so that others understand it. It stinks to feel so alone at times.
15.Don't allow my struggle to become my obsession. Don't become addicted to achieving my desire.
16. I actually enjoyed talking to my sister-in-laws over dinner about their pregnancies. It makes me feel even closer to my baby nephews. I felt successful for not crying on the way home!
17. I hated sitting through a dinner with 3 friends that are expecting. I know they felt uncomfortable for my sake too, but luckily they acted totally natural. I know they hate it for me too.I felt like a failure for crying on the way home. Why couldn't I be stronger, like I was with my sister-in-laws the week before? See #1
18. It's ok to have good days and bad days. God is good, all the time. 
19. God is perfect. But, sometimes I find the "perfect" pair of shoes while doing some retail therapy after a bad day.
20. God is FOR me.

The appointment with a (professional) counselor was very insightful. Hubs and I were actually able to laugh a little as we left. The counselor told us that we wouldn't all of a sudden feel better or feel that our burdens were lifted or that there would be a sense of "everything is fine".... but that she was there for us as we needed counsel.After an hour, many tears, insight and love, she gave us a little "homework" and we were off. As we walked out the door, hubs and I hand in hand, I joked as I rubbed my tummy and said "Wow, I'm pregnant"!!! Oh how I wish it were that easy. It may not be that easy and our burdens were not automatically gone, but we did feel better! Life goes on my friends. I encourage you to seek out counsel if you feel it's needed. There is nothing wrong with it. It doesn't mean you are weak. It doesn't mean you are crazy :) It means the burden is heavy, it's hard and it's sad. It means that you are seeking counsel, just as He encourages!

Or try a little of #11 - Chocolate Therapy.

Without consultation, plans are frustrated, but with many counselors they succeed. Proverbs 15:22

I am Third

Three simple words: I Am Third. I was reminded of this instruction at our church kids camp. I went as a 6th grade girls leader. Wow, there are some amazing girls with big appetites for Him. I too learned a few things. I was reminded of my new -working on- way of thinking today. A sweet friend sent me an email with nuggets of wisdom from her own struggles with infertility. She wrote about the steps of her journey that she began a few years ago. I can relate with her heartbreak. Healing. Discovery. Pain. Growth. Sadness. Joy. I was reminded that for quite some time, I've been putting ME first. My pain, my loss, my dreams, my heartache.... One child from each cabin was nominated for an "I Am Third" award. These kids showed that they put God first, others second and themselves third. I had to get on my knees and ask for forgiveness because I've been putting myself first, my husband second and God third. I want what is "best" for me, for my husband and then hope it's His plan too. I've been far too consumed with getting what I want, when I want it.... I need(ed) a change of heart. It took a crazy week at a church kids camp to remind me of my weakness, my sin. I was reminded of the "addiction" (becoming pregnant) at church yesterday during a sermon, I was reminded today in a friend's testimony and I was reminded when I woke up this morning to the sounds of birds chirping. "Wren"... see the post below. God is putting too much on my mind and in my path for me not to grab onto the hope He is pouring into my heart. God is speaking to me! It sounds lovely and I want to put Him first. He has everything else under control. I just want Him. I want Him to show me what is best for me. I know it will be wonderful!

Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." Matthew 22:37-40

Wait and hope for and expect the Lord! Psalm 27:14

Hello bloggy friends, I've been away. I think a break was needed, to prevent myself from reading so many other positive/negative blogs! I needed some time to just "be" and not get so involved with others around me.... and no, I'm not pregnant! We are still planning on doing IVF this year, but I think I'll keep that exact path private. We've made an appointment with a counselor to discuss the toll infertility has taken on us... emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically. I can't wait!

God has "mysteriously" given me hope, in abundance. I woke up this morning with a song in my heart. I think He saw my tears for one too many days. I heard the name "Wren" a couple of years ago and always thought it was a pretty name for a little girl. I can see her sweet face already! Over the past several months I've become so burdened with the label "infertility" and the phrase "not pregnant". I was allowing this label to rob me of my joy, of God's plan. Although I'm still sad at times and need some help to work through my thoughts... the negative things swirling around in my head, I need to wait with expectation. Wait, hope and expect His wonders! "If we come to Him doubting His ability to speak, we will have a difficult time listening. So we must come expectantly"- Charles Stanley.

I woke up this morning and had all these thoughts running through my head..... this is what I sent my man at work:

"Wren" means songbird.

Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul - Emily Dickinson

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. Romans 5:3-5

"The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his field. Though it is the smallest of all your seeds, yet when it grows, it is the largest of garden plants and becomes a tree, so that the birds of the air come and perch in its branches."
Matthew 13:31-32

Wrens have a beautiful song that is loud and full it has a excellent speed and vibrant tones which can last for 5-6 seconds and can be heard a kilo-meter away.

I will give thanks to the Lord with all my heart, I will tell of all your wonders. I will be glad and rejoice in you, I will sing praise to your name. Psalm 9:1-2

Listen to my voice in the morning, Lord. Each morning I bring my requests to you and wait expectantly. 

Psalm 5:3

Wait and hope for and expect the Lord, be brave and of good courage and let your heart be stout and enduring. Yes, wait for and hope for and expect the Lord. Psalm 27:14

I'm not proclaiming we'll have a girl and name her Wren, but the name and the meaning and the Holy Spirit spoke to me today and I thought I should share!

Congrats to all my bloggy friends on upcoming babies, I'm praying for those still on the journey..... He does hear our plea and He relishes our praises.

Singing praises of His goodness and I can't wait to give Him all the glory when He reveals His plan for our family.

Baby shower, friend expecting and starting

Planning my brother/sister-in-law's baby shower, making cute monkey and frog picture frames for unborn - already precious - nephew's bathroom... making a Congrats banner and assembling a fun baby gift basket... can't wait to meet him. Secretly planning the theme for my one-day baby's room. I just got off the phone with a friend that got pregnant "just on her first month of trying!". Went to the restroom to shed a couple of self-pity tears in private, dry my eyes and come out with a smile infront of my daughter and her friend... on top of that, the restroom break shed light on the fact that I just started. Really? Blah. Is it too early to go to bed?

"I consider our present sufferings insignificant compared to the glory that will soon be revealed to us." Romans 8:18

Randomness

We attend a fantastic church! A couple of Sunday's ago they hosted a Pancake Breakfast and a farewell worship service to our High School kids heading off to Beach Retreat. The service was held outdoors and breakfast foods were in abundance. I had my fair share of pancakes and syrup. The kids were anxious to experience the freedom and joy of church camp.The worship songs were fun, uplifting... just like the morning. At one point, a song came on that reminded me of my church camp as a kid.

Unfortunately, I lost track of the song and it's words as I stood there watching 3 women holding their babies... singing, swaying back and forth. They had the love of Jesus in their hearts, the mighty words about His goodness overflowing from their mouths. I instantly began to let my eyes fill with tears. The morning instantly became about me. My empty arms. My lonely dance. I had no baby to sway. I felt alone, yet I felt like I had a hundred eyes on me. I felt trapped, not able to compose myself. Images and words are a funny thing, the way your brain registers sights and sounds. One moment, a sight and sound of a baby only makes me smile and carry on. The next, I swim in the river of self-pity. One extreme to another.

I want to know what it's like to live a "normal" life with my man, with my family. Since our honeymoon, this deep desire has been unreachable. We will go for months "not trying" and months of "trying". One extreme to another. Will that self-pity feeling ever go away? I guess if I didn't desire a baby it would... is that when you know when to give up on trying? Someone asked me the other day "how things are going in the baby area". This person hasn't had an update in over a year, so he had no idea what track we are currently on. I was happy to fill him in, he is a good listener. Then he said "well, it's not like you have to have a baby". This is coming from a single man, 56yrs old, no kids. So, I will give him that loooong leash. He is right. But, those of you - infertile friends - know the response spinning in my head. This was a good time to change subjects, quickly...

I'm not sure what my point is with this post... other than to vent a little. I guess we shouldn't be so hard on ourselves. We have a desire. I believe a God given desire. Some days are good and some are not. I can be around babies and be thrilled about friends expecting. And, other days, I can still be thrilled and in private be sad for myself. A little jealous. I think we have earned our stripes to claim both. He knows the desires of our hearts, He knows our intentions and true feelings. He never said that life would be easy or always happy. But He is always good and His plans are always perfect. Continuing to pray for my blogger friends on this journey of not only a baby, but of self preservation.

Psalms 38:9 Lord, all my desire is before You; And my sighing is not hidden from You.

Stuck

Do you ever feel like life is passing you by while TTC? I take in the views, I smell the aromas, cherish the laughter and relationships around me. I take such joy in watching my daughter grow and learn.... becoming the young lady that God created her to be. I see photos of baby announcements and dedications, nieces' recitals, nephews baseball games and friend's kids eating birthday cake. It's not the first thought, but a thought later in the day is "that's another year gone by and we aren't celebrating the milestones with a child of our own". It has been over a year since doing any type of fertility treatments... one year, one month. We are saving for IVF. We have been "saving" for prior treatments and now IVF. Sure, we take small family trips around Texas and last year to Destin, Florida. We don't need to go much further than the neighborhood pool to please our girl! Hubs always makes sure his girls are taken care of.... and then some :) And I always thank God for the wealth that He has given us, so much more than many. We are not "poor" by any means.We are indulging ourselves and taking a first-time-trip-for-me to Vegas this summer with 4 other adult friends. It's my 2nd "trip" with my husband since our honeymoon five years ago, purely vacation time. Again, we always forgo "only us" trips. We sketch out plans for our backyard deck and landscape. We are big on playing out back and daughter loves to eat dinner in the back, so we eat on a picnic blanket for now. It's fine, it's fun.... a table and chairs will be great one day too :) Don't get me wrong, we enjoy our life and make plenty of self indulgent purchases. But, there is always that second thought that trails the receipt... "that could have gone towards IVF...". I don't stress over the fact, it's just there.... lingers. It's a passing thought, just like the others. I am looking forward to life without that second thought. I am looking forward to life without this ball and chain. It's not even about the stress of things anymore, it's just about wanting to move on from this spot of... of.... I don't even know what to call it. Yesterday I was in a mode of not wanting to experience the disappointment again of a *possible* failed attempt. I know God has me in His hands. I know that the attempt could bring me that blessed baby, I know that the procedure could be the one. I'm just ready to move along already! Sometimes I feel like life is standing still, just waiting for us to have that baby on board before this train leaves the station.... But, the truth of the matter is, we are already on this beautiful ride. We are a family already. I am happy. I am married to my best friend. I have a healthy, amazing daughter. I AM thankful and grateful. I just still feel like a piece is missing. I look at the 2 extra rooms upstairs, I look at the unused baby swing for the new backyard deck area.... a piece of us is missing and I'm just ready for life to be complete. And yet, when I type those thoughts I feel so guilty.... As if I'm telling God that He doesn't have a complete plan for me already. Who am I to tell Him that I'm not satisfied with all He has given me thus far? How quickly I feel so ungrateful and selfish.


They will celebrate your abundant goodness and joyfully sing of your righteousness." Psalm 145:7

Tears of....

Do you ever see a photo of a new born baby (a friend/family member for example) and just cry? Tears that yearn for one of your own? Tears that don't begrudge that baby or that mother, but they drop because you so badly want that to be you. Tears that drop because you don't know if you'll ever get  to be the mommy in that photo. Tears that fall because you don't know if those foot prints will be on your husbands scrubs. Happy eyes, moving along a computer screen... smiling at all that they see. Your mind is filled with letters, words, concepts and then you see it.... that precious gift of life, God's miracle. Cute button nose. Pink/blue cap. Sweet nursery blanket that wraps him like a burrito. Big Sister's proudly worn t-shirt. Mom's tired smile and tear-filled eyes. Dad's ear-to-ear grin and hints of nervousness in his eyes.... And within an instant the tears begin. I thank God for that healthy baby, pray over that baby's life and the family's future. I don't begrudge anyone the awesome gift. I'm not coveting that families blessing. I am blessed beyond belief as is! These tears just don't know any better. They have been conditioned, for the moment, they are sad and overflow. I know He has a plan and it IS the best. I think He understands our pain, Hannah cried to him often! Praying that He will dry tears as needed and replace them with His joy... in all circumstances and I will give thanks. Don't worry friends, I'm not wallowing in bed! I'm off to boot camp, but wanted to share for the moment...wiping tears away now. By noon I will be crying tears of pain while doing lunges!

He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of 
joy, carrying sheaves with him. Psalms 126:6

The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I 
am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song. Psalm 28:7

For this child I prayed...

Check out a good article here: How to pray with confidence before God. Sometimes I forget He wants me to be confident in Him. Praying for His will for my life, the blessings He has in store for me, seeking guidance to help grow His kingdom, praying that He help me to become the person He created me to be, etc.... but specific things too! I lack confidence in praying for the specifics. I lack confidence in hoping for a specific request to be answered (a baby for example), instead I pray for the vague. They are sincere requests, but vague. He wants me to stand firm, be confident....hopeful. My fear of being disappointed prohibits me from being confident. Those feelings are not of Him. He wants me to take ownership of His mightiness... I am mighty in Him. Today our pastor reminded us that He wants to take ownership of ME. I am His. Today I will be confident in Him, praying for specifics and being confident that He will do what is best for me.... for my family.

Hubs thanks God for the baby He has planned for us! He thanks God for the blessing He has for our family. Really?! Man, I struggle with this concept. I "can't" thank God for that because what if He doesn't have one in store for us. What if equals fear. What if God does not bless us with a baby??? Then God will have kept us in His will and I will rejoice in His plan because that's where we want to be. He wants me to be confident, not fearful. He wants me to be joyful in all circumstances, not disappointed. Through Him I can overcome the disappointment, through Him I can be strong and confident. How cool is that?!
  

"For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me my petition that I made to him." I Samuel 1:27

A lonely rocking chair and fluffy carpet

Warning: Aunt Flow came yesterday, so this post will be full and long :)
We moved into our new home 4 years ago. Upstairs we have 3 rooms - T's (daughter) room, "baby's" room and guest room. We've called it the "baby's room" since day 1. T was 6 and she was designating rooms.... she's an organizer at heart like her mama. We placed T's beautiful white wrought iron twin bed in there (her Grandaddy made her), as she "needed" a queen bed instead. We placed the rocker in there that I got for Mother's Day the year T was born. I'm happy her dad let me keep that treasure. I've been careful not to fill the closets with "stuff", because after all, the "baby's stuff" would fill it soon enough. So presumptuous... or do you call it hopeful, confident, trusting?

I went into Baby's room lastnight, bad decision... I did "start" yesterday after all. Hormones + empty baby room = tears and maybe even anger. The one thing that I do keep in the closet is T's craft storage container. It's the overflow craft items, extra stuff we hardly use. But, we needed Popsicle sticks. Those are always fun :) So, I walked in and grabbed them... only happy thoughts about making a fun craft with my girl filled my mind. However, as I turned around to get up off the floor, I noticed how fluffy and new-looking the carpet appeared. When we bought our beautiful home the only thing I would have changed was the carpet. It's a brand new home, brand new carpet, but I don't care for Berber carpet. It becomes flatter over time, but it hides stains and dirt well :) So, Baby's room has fluffy carpet because we never go in there. I took a seat in T's rocker and stared at the carpet... thinking of all the months gone by, all the nights that I'd dreamed of rocking Baby in this very room. Thinking of how my T is getting older and now the age gap is even larger. Thinking of how my man will be 39 this October and how he still can't be called "daddy". Thinking of how my deep desire to share a child with the love of my life hurts. He deserves a child too, one of his very own... one with his pretty eyes and sweet smile... one to have his name. He deserves to cut the umbilical cord and give a first bath. He deserves to clean up baby food that's been thrown all over the kitchen. T's pretty twin bed deserves to hold another child while she dreams of ponies and fairies. This rocker deserves to smell the lovely scent of baby powder while rocking a baby to sleep. It wants to hear the lullaby's sung from a happy mamas heart. It wants to hear daddy's made up country songs about the good life. It wants to rock T's sibling to sleep... crying and all. Really? Sarah? Are you going to sit here and do this....? Are you really going to sit here...again ....and think of all the things that you don't have?

The flattened carpet around the house is a symbol of the memories we are creating now. All those nights of wrestling, all those nights of smore's making and playing chase with friends. The carpet lays flatter from doing Yoga with my girl, playing Go Fish a billions times, watching movies while eating candy, playing Wii, playing hide and seek, doing crafts with Popsicle sticks, making birthday cards and getting ready for Christmas morning. It's filled with friends and family gathering for celebrations, it has puppy and kitten reminders, it's filled with the good, the bad and the ugly. God has filled my life with so much JOY and each carpet loop that has become flat over the past 4 years represents the beauty He has given me. It doesn't represent the small spot upstairs that still waits to be brought to life.

T is in "the rocker".... she came home after her first day in kindergarten ('05) and fell right to sleep. (this was in our apartment while waiting to move into our new home). See, this is the good stuff that rocker has seen!

“Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out! ‘Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been his counselor?’ ‘Who has ever given to God, that God should repay him?’ For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Amen.” Rom. 11:33–36

"Empty Arms", but hopeful hearts

The end of National Infertility Awareness Week was yesterday. For more information  please visit here.

In honor of this week, watch the "Empty Arms" video here.

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful 

in prayer." Romans 12:12

Well Meaning Suggestions

When are you guys going to start having babies?
You better hurry, your daughter is almost 10!
One time, my friend took this herb...
My cousin's friend' sister stopped eating...
I heard if you are on the pill for too long your body won't...
Oh, you just need more fish oil.
If you stop drinking caffeine and go to bed at...
Stop thinking about it.
God has a plan. (which He DOES)
Don't exercise so much.
Just take a vacation.
I had a friend that tried for years and after adopting, she got pregnant with twins!
Just adopt and you'll get pregnant.
Did you know that a rise in temperature can indicate ovulation?!
Take Robitussin.
It must be great to only have one. Are you sure you want another?!
You waited too long.
I've had 3 kids while on the pill, maybe you should get on the pill.
You are young, it will happen.
Man, waiting must stink, my husband looks at me and I get pregnant.
Stand on your head after...
Did you know there is only one day you can get pregnant out of the whole month!?
Don't take hot baths.
My eggs are good, I'd give you some, I don't need them anymore.
You might have.... I know someone that had that one time.

***

My God has made me in His image, I am woven just as He has planned. I pray He allows me to have a baby with my hubby. If not, He is still good and His plan is still perfect. His will be done. There is no rhyme or reason for me to uncover, His plan isn't mine to pick apart. He's got the whole world in His hands.... including me. Plus, I hate Robitussin, take plenty of fish oil and my eggs are just fine.

“For thou didst form my inward parts, thou didst knit me together in my mother’s womb.” – Psalm 139:13

Egg-cellent ... so what's the stinkin' problem?!

A couple of years ago, my man and I got some bad news.... "sperm donor". Enough said. We never imagined to hear those words. My husband is one of six kids, he has multiple... just 12... nieces and nephews. I always look at them and think about what our children will look like... big blue eyes, cute blond hair with some curls, melt-your-heart smile. After much prayer and God laying it on my husbands heart, he stopped dipping. Our doctor tried not to laugh as we told him our plan. He told us that sperm reproduce every 3 months and that we could retest after "no dipping" for 3 months. I'm sure he rolled his eyes as we walked out his door. We held onto faith and hope, not our doctor's "experience". We discussed the sperm donor option, but didn't feel that was the right choice for us.We discussed adoption and ceasing family planning altogether and to just enjoy the ray of sunshine we already have (T, my 9yr old from my previous marriage). Mainly, we sat waiting for 3 months. We waited for the toxins to leave his body, freeing up that "DNA Fragmentation" it had caused and prayed my cute blue-eyed babies would be released from those death grips and into my loving uterus. "Dipping" has been a struggle for many years for hubs and this was the time of all times to quit. He felt God telling him that this was that time. We decided to give that 3 month wait 2 extra months. Just for good measure. The next results made our doctor eat his words... or atleast feel ashamed of those eye rolls :) My soon-to-be-blue-eyed-babies were perfectly normal and ready for their safe little home in my tummy. Praise be to God. We don't know why He chose to allow this to happen, we pray that it's because He's preparing the way for our child. His will be done.

Today, after a 2 week wait, I found out that my egg quality - ovarian reserve - are of excellent quality. Praise be to God. Today is the day that we were told - IVF, adoption or nothing - are our options. Period. After all of our fertility treatments and 5 years of "trying" this is our final verdict. Praise be to God for his plans for us.  I don't know what "option" we will choose, but what I do know is that God is in Control, He has a plan for our family, for the child and I know that the desire of our heart is for a baby, but His will be done. As I left the Fertility Specialist clinic today, a nurse told a lady "enjoy your pregnancy"... I so wished she was telling me that, but I prayed that God will bless that woman and that baby. After all, we are all His. Of course, I shed a few tears on the way home.... being grateful, thankful and a little sad that I wasn't that lady enjoying my pregnancy.

I don't understand why my hubby's DNA fragmentation became "normal" when the doctor's experience taught otherwise, I don't understand why all of my past fertility treatments (10cycles worth, $$$ and 5yrs later) were "text book perfect" and I don't understand why we are considered "unexplained infertility". I don't understand, but it's not my place to question His perfect plan. And I won't allow Satan to plant seeds of self destruction or doubt about my self worth anymore. I pray those blue-eyed babies make their way to my excellent quality eggs and conception occurs... implantation happens in a perfectly lined uterus (my u/s showed that today plus one ripe egg!) and God decides this is the cycle His child is conceived... this is how my baby-blue-eyes will come into my life! I don't know if that's His plan. If it's not His plan, I will take comfort in knowing that it's okay because I only want His good and perfect plan for my life. Sure, I will get upset if I see "red", I might even cry while I search for a stupid pad. I call all pads and tampons "stupid". I will sulk for the day and might even skip boot camp and grab a tub of ice cream for comfort. But, at the end of the day, I want what God wants for my life. I will just ignore the extra calories. I want what God wants for that child. I will fall asleep not knowing "why", but finding peace, joy and comfort in knowing that I am His child.

"Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow." James 1:17

“Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart” Psalm 37:4

Blank

Sometimes only His Word is what I need. No clever stories, no uplifting epiphanies, no "wow" analogies. His Word is all I need.
   
The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace."Numbers 6:24-26 

God said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Cor 12.9-10)

"Stop Obsessing About Fertility Already!"

999 Reasons to Laugh website said today:

"‘Please stop obsessing,‘ Your infertile brain screams at you after you have been obsessing about how to get pregnant for the past four hours.”You are hurting my mind already!”

Stop thinking how you once gleefully confided in a friend that you were thinking about trying and now two years later, she has a baby and you don’t. Stop remembering that day when your little cousin asked you for pregnancy advice and you happily advised her to start taking Folic Acid and now her son is one years old. Stop comparing yourself to all your friends and thinking that all of them babies and you do not. Stop feeling horrified that your friend, Connie (I-get-pregnant-on-my-first-try) Smith, just gave birth to her second child. Stop looking for answers on Google because it never tells you anything useful. Stop googling fertility drugs and side effects if you don’t want to know a scary answer. Stop logging onto Facebook and checking out photos of your friend’s not so cute baby and then feel depressed about it for the rest of the day. Stop taking the phone with you into the toilet just in case the fertility clinic calls you back. Stop running to the drug store to purchase Robitussin cough syrup because you read in the newspaper that it helps with fertility.
For the love of cervical mucus! Please stop obsessing and fill your mind with other happy positive thoughts. Start enjoying your life again and remember that life does not stop for infertility. Don’t keep putting your life on hold while you wait.

Sincerely,
Your Exhausted Brain"

"A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." Proverbs 17:22

He is a promise keeper

You say :

"It’s impossible."

God says :
“All things are possible.” (Luke 18:27) 
 

You say :

“I’m too tired.”

God says :
“I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28-30)   

You say :
“I can’t go on .”

God says :
“My grace is sufficient.” (2 Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15) 
 

You say :

“I can’t figure things out.”

God says :
“I will direct your steps.” (Proverbs 3:5-6) 
 

You say :

“I can’t do it.”

God says :
“You can do all things.” (Philippians 4:13) 
 

You say :

“I’m not able.”

God says :
“I am able.” (2 Corinthians 9:8)

You say:

“It’s not worth it.”

God says :
“It will be worth it” (Roman 8:28) 
   

You say :

“I can’t manage.”

God says :
“I will supply all your needs.” (Philippians 4:19)
 

You say :

“I’m afraid.”

God says :
“I have not given you a spirit of fear.” (2 Timothy 1:7) 
 

You say :

“I’m always worried and frustrated.”

God says :
“Cast all your cares on me.” (1 Peter 5:7) 
 

You say :

“I feel all alone.”

God says :
“I will never leave you or forsake you.” (Hebrews 13:5)

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."  Psalms 73:26

Project IF

Mel at the Stirrup Queens is working with Resolve on the new "Project IF". (Thanks for spreading the word, Amanda!)

This is on the agenda: "In other words, take out one of the “what ifs” that keep knocking around inside your heart, keeping you awake at night, and allow the larger community to commiserate, empathize and help you carry your burden by reading your words."

 These are thoughts about infertility among thousands of women.... we aren't alone. Some of the "IF" quotes are sobering and some are comical. I'm not sure what my "IF" will be... "What if the 'baby's room' never gets to hold a baby". "What if my husband is never called 'daddy'".  I'm trying to think of something funny, to lighten the mood, but I can't....

Here is the article:

http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2010/04/bloggers-unite-project-if/comment-page-5/#comment-56909

Lord, help me to learn from and lean on Your faithfulness. Remind me that You will meet my every need and will never leave me, so that I may confidently place my future, all of it, in Your hands.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

We do not know what we ought to pray for....

Prayer. Have you ever felt so overwhelmed with what to pray for that you just don't want to pray? I experienced this today. It was not related to infertility. However, it did remind me of several situations I've experienced with the process. 1 Thessalonians says to 'pray continually'. Psalms 46:10 says 'be still and know that I am God.' Pray. Listen. I can admit it, I need to practice the art of being still and listening more often. 


And sometimes I have "those days" or "that decision"....a heavy heart. Sometimes a heart is just too sad to form words. Sometimes the choices and decisions are overwhelming hard. To name 3 at hand....do we adopt, do we do IVF, do we stop all together. And my goodness, each of  those choices require a thousand prayers of their very own! Overwhelming. Then, my mind gets so boggled with the "what ifs", "buts", "can't".... Then, on top of all that, I begin to... you get the pitiful picture. Madness sets in. It's not even hopelessness or doubting His miracles or throwing in the towel... it's just my mind gets so tired. Sometimes it's easier to just push everything aside and get back to it later. I don't want to miss that important "thing" to pray over. I put all the burden on my shoulders and become totally discouraged about the topic at hand. Sometimes I feel like my mind is like a little hamster, running around the little wheel... turning around and around, getting nowhere while becoming exhausted.


"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31 


I looked for verses about hamsters, but couldn't find one. (that was a joke) Luckily, I don't have to carry the burden of knowing what to pray for when my mind and heart are too heavy for words. God searches my heart - Psalms 139:23. Jesus intercedes for us - Romans 8:34. And, the Holy Spirit "groans" on our behalf.


"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." Romans 8:26

"The God 'who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit' and answers according to God’s will. Since His way is perfect we are always assured of His very best for us. 'We do not know what we ought to pray for,' but the Holy Spirit always knows, and God the Father will always answer His prayer." (Selah website quote)

And THAT, my friends, makes my heart happy.
  
"Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee..."Psalms 55:22

"Top 10"...another stolen post

This is another funny blog I found. This entry is about distracting yourself during that dreaded "2 week wait" - from time of ovulation to expected period. Here is their (husband and wife team) entry from April 9:

http://www.conceiveonline.com/he-said-she-said/2010-04-09-top-10/

Written by Heather & Kieran    Friday, 09 April 2010

"He said: Presenting the Top 10 ways to distract yourself during (another) two week wait!

She said: Number 10 – Start organizing that drawer that you otherwise would never touch. Or at least think about organizing it while watching a variety of TV shows that you would otherwise never watch. 

He said: Number 9 – Send your partner to Dairy Queen for a Blizzard claiming that it could be a “pre-pregnancy craving.”

She said: What? It COULD be...we are still in the two week wait...

He said: Carrying on.  Number 8 – Get the spring cleaning itch and go on a cleaning binge – using all- natural cleaners only.  Convince partner that it is okay that you rest often since you shouldn’t push yourself too hard – but it’s totally okay for him to keep going. 

She said: Number 7 – Consult Dr. Google at least 10 times daily to compare possible pregnancy symptoms.

He said: Number 6 – After consulting Dr. Google, consult ConceiveOnline.com, Twitter, and a variety of ttc and pregnancy forums as per above.

She said: Number 5 - Lament the lack of caffeine, alcohol, sushi, and all things that could be potentially dangerous to the baby that you’re potentially growing.  Consider making ice cream its own food group. Hey, it has calcium!

He said:  Number 4 – Start collecting pee sticks like they are a rare commodity.  Improve your line examining techniques with abilities that would rival the best CSI.

She said: Number 3 – Consult Dr. Google AGAIN.  For more symptoms, or disappearing symptoms, or symptoms that you heard you might get.

He said: Number 2 – Cross off the days on the calendar until Beta like you're counting down days till a big trip.

She said: And the Number 1 way to distract yourself during a(nother) two week wait is...

He said:  You tell us!  Leave your best distraction below! ......" Their readers left suggestions on the Number 1 distraction.

   

"But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

I do

I've been thinking about writing a piece about 2 word sayings regarding infertility. Infertile women hate this 2 word saying - "I started". Other 2 word sayings that are on the forefront of our vocabulary... "I'm pregnant.", "not pregnant", "didn't ovulate", "negative test", "positive test", "sperm count", "I'm late", "bad day", "egg quality", "blood work", "urine sample", "remove cysts", "support groups", "God's timing", "you're young", "it'll happen" ... you get the idea. I don't think I have enough clever material for the topic though.

Tomorrow is the 5year anniversary with my man! April 9, 2005. I am blessed beyond words with my husband. God gave me a treasure. For a brief moment I think about our wedding anniversary as our anniversary of trying to conceive. We dreamed about having a honeymoon baby. I know, some people don't understand that logic, but we had that desire. But, mostly, I think about how blessed I am that God entrusted me with this man. I am grateful for the father he is to T (my daughter from my previous marriage) and dream about the father he will be to our next child. I am humbled by the husband he is to me and the son he is to God. 

This celebration is a great reminder that my marriage is the most important thing, besides my love for God. Infertility can not replace or hinder my special relationship with my man. Infertile women can relate, things get in the way. More 2 word sayings - "timed sex", "timed ovulation", "hormone injections", "mood swings", "swollen ovaries", "mental breakdown". Infertility and all the physical, mental and emotional stuff must not get in the way of our treasure. Sure, take a few hours or a few days to have the meltdowns (on a monthly basis as the case may be at times), but pick yourself back up and remember your partner, you aren't in this alone. Our husbands are with us. I think my man might need his own breakdowns just to deal with mine! Thank you God for the strength you give him when I am weak. Protect our marriage and give us the strength to keep it our top priority.

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak." Isaiah 40:29

We are officially celebrating our anniversary next weekend instead of this weekend. I happen to look at the calendar and see the dates and "counting days" for said weekend, I notice "I'm ovulating" that particular weekend. I DO

" My lover is mine, and I am his." Song of Solomon 2:16

"A single trip to the bathroom can make you happy or bring you to tears"

I found this blog article from the website below. Some are a little over-the-top... language and topic. But, some is pretty funny and pretty true. I think she just tries to bring some comical relief to the reader:

"The infertile is probably the only person in the world that can go into a bathroom and return in tears or leave doing a happy pee pee dance. 
To normal fertile people, the bathroom is a place where you do your business and leave neither happy nor sad. To an infertile, the toilet experience can either make you or break you. You may walk into that bathroom stall happy and singing and come out with swollen eyes and a runny nose. You either (a) got your period (leading to extreme unhappiness and an emotional breakdown OR a little happiness if you hadn’t seen your flow since 1999 and joyful she has returned; or (b) saw traces of blood a week prior to your period and feel semi-excited/confused that it might be implantation bleeding; or (c) you have wiped clear which brings a private grin to your face.
And never have a co-worker or friend wait for you at the sink. You may go into the stall as her perky pal Patty but you are leaving as hysterical and hyperventilating Helen. And who really wants to explain to a co-worker why you just left the toilet in tears? You might explain as you blow your nose with toilet paper. Because with one trip to the bathroom you can go from no drinking, all healthy food, and no coffee to a bottle of wine, french fries dipped in alcohol, and half a pot of Joe.
Flush."http://www.999reasonstolaugh.com/

Yielding fruits in due season

"But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by the stream of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers."Psalms 1:2-3 This does not mean immunity from failure or struggles. Nor does it guarantee wealth, health and babies. When we apply God's wisdom to our lives, the fruit we bear will be good and receive God's approval. message from bible footnotes.

"But you are a shield around me, O Lord; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head. To the Lord I cry aloud, and he answers me from his holy hill. I lie down and sleep. I wake again, because the Lord sustains me." Psalms 3:3-5 The assurance of answered prayer brings peace. It is easier to sleep when we have full assurance that God is in control of circumstances. message from bible footnotes.

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9 Be strong. Don't give up. In due season I will reap. It may not be "my" plan, but it will be his perfect plan.

"To everything there is a season, and a time for every matter or purpose under heaven." Ecclesiastes 3:1  God has a purpose, who am I to question his perfect plan?

"These things won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be filled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day." Habakkuk 2:3 (LB) God is never late. 

“I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted." Job 42:2

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law." Galatians 5:22-23

The fruits of the Spirit...patience.... faithfulness... peace. I pray my fruits continue to grow. I could use some extra fertilizer during some seasons.

Nana's Garden

July 18

What a great Easter, we had such a fun night reading about Jesus' crucifixion and resurrection with T. She loves digging deep, I found myself stumped on several questions! Good thing for God's word. After relishing in His word and being humbled by His life/death and T's questions, we put her to bed... now time for "mommy's reading".

I've been reading Streams in the Desert Daily Devotionals by L.B. Cowman for a couple of weeks. Last night, after much prayer of our fertility process, I began to read April 4, 5, 6.... I found myself skimming over the "daily" devotions. I was looking for the black and whites words that spoke to me, wanting them to jump off the pages to catch my eyes. I was hoping to read "SARAH, THIS is what you should do...". Ok, not literally, but figuratively speaking. Ok, no really, I'm a black/white person, I'd love to see His answer in writing. I stopped on May 1st and just laughed at myself. I thought "Sarah, you are missing out on all this good stuff as you skim over hoping to find answers". I may have skipped the "answers" because they weren't what I was hoping to read. I may have skipped the "answers" because I want to read what I would have them say. I was skipping over God's answers to everyday life... love, hurt, trials, beauty, forgiveness, hope, faith, trust, sadness, laughter, family, friends, etc... His Word is the root of life, all areas of life. Every word in the Bible is an answer... how to live, how to love, how to obey, how to listen, how to help His kingdom grow, etc. I am giving God the short end of the stick by skimming over the daily "things" in hopes of finding answers to my "fertility things". It's not all about seeking His wisdom for my infertility. Life is so much more. He is so much more. I want to seek Him... his love, his peace, his comfort, his mercy, his magnificence. I had to seek His forgiveness.

July 18 is the date I stopped long enough to let His voice sink in. "The eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him." 2 Chronicles 16:9 "God is looking for men and women whose hearts are firmly fixed on Him and who will continually trust Him for all He desires to do with their lives. There is no limit to what God can do through you, provided you do not seek your own glory." God wants us to be completely devoted to Him, understand He is sufficient. He wants us to surrender our hearts to Him... not allowing our "things" in life to come before Him and Him alone. He wants us to fall in love with Him. He wants all of us, just as we should want all of Him.

My July 18th lesson will be one that I will hold as a reminder to seek His word because of my eagerness to be near Him, learn about Him and what He would have me do and be in this life... not merely because I seek answers for my infertility process. I know He wants to guide me and I will seek His guidance with each step, but it shouldn't consume my every moment in His presence. I will miss the big picture of life. I will miss the answers He is eagerly waiting to give.

For more on Streams in the Desert 366 Daily Devotional Readings:
http://www.crosswalk.com/devotionals/desert/

Eggs

"The white Easter lily has come to capture the glory of the holiday. The word "Easter" is named after Eastre, the Anglo-Saxon goddess of spring. A festival was held in her honor every year at the vernal equinox."
"The Easter Bunny is a rabbit-spirit. Long ago, he was called the "Easter Hare", hares and rabbits have frequent multiple births so they became a symbol of fertility. The custom of an Easter egg hunt began because children believed that hares laid eggs in the grass. The Romans believed that "All life comes from an egg." Christians consider eggs to be "the seed of life" and so they are symbolic of the resurrection of Jesus Christ."

As I was preparing Taylor's Easter basket, I decided to research the origins of some traditional Easter symbols -the white Lily, the Easter Bunny, Easter eggs- to discuss with her. I didn't realize how the "spring symbols" would collide with fertility... the birth of new life. Common sense I guess. Sometimes I lack such qualities. The most important lesson in her Easter basket is the death and resurrection of our Lord Savior, Jesus Christ. God sent His son, Jesus, to die for you and me. His blood covers our sin and His sacrifice allows us to have eternal life.

1 Peter 1:3
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead...

God has special reasons for not allowing the birth of new life in women, whether it be temporary or permanent, whether they are allowed a child through natural means or adoption or whether God has decided their lives are meant to be spent without a child. As much as some of those choices hurt, some type of peace can be gained by knowing He has given us eternal life. His peace can cover us, just as His blood covers our sins. After learning more about the Easter symbols of today's world, I will look at Easter eggs as signs of fertility... birth, new life. I will marvel in His creation of human life. I will be reminded that He has given me eternal life, rebirth. The Easter egg will remind me that only God gives life. Hope. Faith. Isn't it ironic that my egg quality will be checked in a few weeks? Praying for good eggs ;) A few chocolate Reece's Easter Eggs are always good too.


That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved. As the Scripture says, "Anyone who trusts in him will never be put to shame." Romans 10:9-11

The Miracle of Life - God's fingerprint

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/miracle/program.html 

the eggs journey, first 2 weeks, the embryo takes shape. God's process for conception is indescribable.Take a few minutes to check this out. We forget how miraculous the start of human life truly is. I'm in awe.

"I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted." Job 42:1-12

Hhmmm, I could possibly crave this one day

Supposedly originating in the Mississippi Delta, the popularity of Kool-Aid Pickles is spreading. You can find them in red, yellow, orange.... all the colors of Kool-Aid, and kids love them. Just make double strength Kool-Aid, add sugar and pickles (cut lengthwise) and let it sit for a week in the fridge.

Numbers

60 - number of months we have been trying to become pregnant
6 - number of cycles I used Clomid. I cringe as I think of those days.
6 - number of times we did an IUI with Clomid.
4 - number of cycles we used hormone injections.
4 - number of times we did an IUI with hormone injections.
6 - number of HCG injections
1 - number of HSG procedure.
12 - number of times my man has had his "boys" tested or prepared for IUIs.
3 - number of fertility doctors.
4 - number of times I briefly went back on the pill to regulate my cycle.
What I learned in my doctor's appointment today -  2% chance of becoming pregnant on my own, need 1 test to check my egg quality, need 1 test to check my man's sperm function...again (since it has been over a year since his last test...the boys can change over time). If both are normal, 1 IVF is recommended. If both are not normal or better than "ok" or not "fixable", adoption is the next phase....no more injections or meds at this point unless it's in the IVF process. God's precious baby for our family might be through adoption, praying for His guidance. We feel at this point, IVF is the next step... but God is the conductor, not the doc. Highly likely I have endometriosis, but holding off on further investigation.
Countless - tears, negative tests, parking fees, trips to/from the doctor, shopping sprees to cheer up myself, blood work,  mood swings, emails to friends, prayers, disappointing results, ultrasounds, wine with chocolates while soaking in a bubble bath, cleaning frenzies (I clean when stressed or sad) cysts and money spent.

I hold onto many positive things.
1 - I've never had a miscarriage. Bless my sweet friends who have had experienced such a loss. Praying Gods peace over you.
2 - I'm young.
3 - I have a child.
4 - Houston has great fertility specialists.
5 - Amazingly supportive and patient husband.
6 - Supportive and loving friends and family.
7 - I have not had numerous failed IVFs . So many ladies have had so much more disappointment.
8 - the list goes on, but the most important thing for me to hold dear is the fact that God is in control. He is bigger than any number or any percentage given from any doctor.

His grace, blessings, light and peace are poured out indefinitely. He promises those very things in Numbers.

Numbers 6:24-26
"The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace."

Infertility is kind of like pickles and ice cream... sort of

I've decided to take the plunge and begin an "infertility blog".... so cliche. I'm just one more blog, among hundreds - thousands - regarding this very topic. I'm not a skilled writer, so you will see typo's (is that a real word?). I'm not a poet... and yes, I do know it. This is just free therapy for myself. It may confirm my insanity to my friends or help others realize they are not alone in this journey. I'm not sure where to begin. I really do hope to have all those weird food cravings. I would love to ask my man to run out at midnight to fetch me pickles and ice cream (do women really do that?!). Every month I hope to experience morning sickness, just to give me added hope that "I might be". I'm half joking about the weight gain, although it would be great if I could label the pooch "baby weight". Infertility can be so very sad, confusing and hopeless. God can replace those feelings with hope, faith and trust. Hope that a baby is in our future... however that child may come - natural or adoption. Faith that He is in control. Trust that His plan is perfect... so is His timing. This journey is a bit like pickles and ice cream.... salty, tart times mixed with comforting, sweet times. Only God can provide those sweet, comforting times.A sweet friend suggested spending time in Psalms.... one chapter at a time. His comfort and sweetness overflow.

Psalm 119:103 "How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth."